WHILE I really couldn’t care any less about the DeShaun Watson situation, I am infinitely curious about how this is going to shake out for the Cleveland Browns. With the NFL gearing up to place Watson on possibly a one year suspension, the Browns have an absolute shit-show on their hands.
(Full disclosure: I wrote this article on June 27th, but I kept balking at publishing it. If the Browns and QB Baker Mayfield had kissed and made-up (and there were stories saying that it could have happened), then this article would look pretty silly. Well now that Cleveland has been dumb enough to trade Mayfield, I can finally release this bad boy.)
Let me catch you up: Cleveland spent twenty-six years without a playoff win; get one with QB Baker Mayfield; do Mayfield dirty, by signing a pervert (Watson) to replace him; and now looks as if they’ll have to play this season without their pervert, or Mayfield. So ladies and gents, I present to you, third string QB Jacoby Brissett!
Big deal, right? All a third string QB does, is set Cleveland up for early draft picks, right? Nope. Cleveland has no first rounders until 2025. So the team has zero motivation to tank for draft position until then. It’s either win or humiliation. As for Brissett, he’s twenty-nine, and on a one year 4.6M$ deal. So an opportunity to start in 2022, is an audition for his 2023.
A closer look at him reveals a 14 – 23 record as a starter for a “less than good” Colts team. It also reveals a career mark of 36 touchdowns against 17 interceptions, with another 13 scores rushing. So he can play. The issue with him has been that his opportunities have always been with crap teams.
Before anyone forgets, the Browns have a pretty good roster. They went 8 – 9 last year, in a division that was won by the 10 – 7 Bengals. Honestly, with the Steelers now grooming a rookie QB, all it would take for the Browns to win the AFC North, would be an injury to Bengals QB Joe Burrow, and the Ravens continuing to be predictable.
Two years ago, Cleveland went to Kansas City and lost by just five points, in the Divisional round of the 2020 playoffs. This is largely still that roster. If the Browns made the playoffs this year, and suddenly got hot… Hey, weirder has happened.
My question is this: What if the Browns fuck up and succeed? What would the Browns do next year, if Brissett gets the Browns to The Show this year? What if they actually win it behind him? Where would that leave Watson? Remember, this team has no first rounder next year, so this year they have no reason not to go all in. Their QB needs this season, to possibly still have a career in a year. So a lot is at stake.
I don’t have any speculation for what the Browns might do. While the factors for a deep playoff run are all easily possible, it’s their aligning, all at the right time, that is highly unlikely. That said, a competent QB, plus a good roster, and a tight division, equals a chance.
Dear Browns fans, your team could very well stumble towards greatness in 2022. Just kidding! All it would take is a little errant luck, and your DeShaun Watson shit-show, could become a full-blown shit-nado. I hope you all brought a towel, because it’s almost time for you to…
This is going to sound weird to Browns fans, but did you know that most NFL fan bases look forward to football season? C’mon over. Let’s get you out of that abusive relationship. What’s happening to you, is not normal.
CLEVELAND Browns QB DeShaun Watson, seems to have a new accuser every 6 hours or so. It’s gotten so bad, that people are speculating about what it will take for the Browns to weasel out of the record, fully guaranteed, 230M$ contract that they signed Watson to, just a few months ago.
My guess however, is that as long as no criminal charges are filed, the Browns will stick with Watson. Come Hell or high water. Because they have to. They have almost no other option.
In order to pry Watson away from the Texans, the Browns parted with their:
2022 first round pick (CB Derek Stingley Jr.)
2023 first round pick
2024 first round pick
2022 fourth round pick (RB Dameon Pierce)
2023 third round pick
2024 fourth round pick
This was in exchange for Watson, and a lowly 2024 sixth round draft pick.
Understand, if the Browns cut Watson with him never playing a down for them, they will have effectively given the Texans three first round picks, a third round pick, and two fourth round picks, in exchange for just one sixth round pick. This would be six picks for one. With every pick the Texans get, being of much greater value than the one they gave up.
It would be the greatest hosing in sports history. The Texans could surpass the Great Trade Robbery, pulled off by the Dallas Cowboys in 1990. In that trade, the Cowboys sent RB Herschel Walker, two third rounders, a fifth rounder, and a tenth rounder to Minnesota; in exchange for three first rounders, three second rounders, one third rounder, one sixth rounder, and four players.
This is before Jimmy Johnson’s draft pick valuation chart changed the way the NFL executives viewed draft picks. So keep in mind, no one (not coaches, GMs, owners) looked at picks like we see them now. Imagine a caveman stubbing his toe on a brick of gold, before it ever had any value assigned to it. To him it was just a stupid rock. In 1990, a pick was more or less, just a pick.
One player and three picks, for four players and eight picks. As lopsided as the GTR was, Minnesota still had Walker (the focal point of that entire trade) play for them, and they won the third round exchange, (two for one). With the Browns, if Watson doesn’t play, everything, literally every single thing, that the Browns gave up, is more than the one thing they got.
If the Browns cut Watson, the NFL will not rescind the trade. Some of those picks have already been cashed in. So that part of it is DONE. Complete. Finito. So the Browns have to stick with Watson, come Hell or high water. If they don’t, it only makes their foolishness look even worse.
Even worse for the Browns would be if they cut him, and Watson ends up back in the NFL. Someplace like New York or Pittsburgh, on a 4 year, 175M$ deal, 100M guaranteed, and laden with reachable incentives. At that point this trade would get a nickname (maybe the Cleveland Crappy Ending™), that would for ever define the city of Cleveland.
As for Herschel Walker, he spent three seasons going 21 – 22 overall as a Viking, and one playoff win. The only team he would ever have a career winning mark with, would be the Philadelphia Eagles (26 – 22), and one playoff win. With Dallas (34 – 56) and the New York giants (5 – 11), Walker (86 – 111) would never win a playoff game.
If the Browns are dumb enough to cut Watson now, then the Texans will surpass the mark left by the Cowboys. I never thought I’d see the day when a franchise out-dumbed the GTR, but my dear reader, get your Gallagher poncho out of storage. We may be about to witness some messy history.
TRADING for QB Deshaun Watson would be a huge mistake. Possibly one that could set the Eagles franchise back, for years. We’d be far better served by spending the next three years developing QB Jalen Hurts. Even if he never truly pans out, we’d still be better off than trading for Watson.
The rumors of the Texans wanting THREE first round picks in exchange for Watson, starts the proceedings off as ridiculous. Especially now that we won’t be getting that extra first rounder for QB Carson Wentz. Watson desperately wants out of Houston, and he has said that he won’t play another down for them.
This means the Texans have absolutely no leverage. None. Just fucking none. If Watson holds out, he still counts 15M$ against Houston’s salary cap in 2021, 40M$ in 2022, and 42M$ in 2023. Being a bad team (4 – 12 last year) that needs all the help it can get, the Texans can’t afford to let him sit idle. So for us to part with three first rounders, would be stupid on our part. (Maybe we can let Washington fall into that trap?)
With DE Brandon Graham, DT Fletcher Cox, and FS Rodney McLeod all on the back-end of their careers, having all of our first round picks is a necessity, not a luxury. Even if Watson came here and played lights out, he doesn’t cover any of the holes created by those looming losses. And each of those holes will be massive.
Then there’s public perception.
Even if Governor Cuomo (sorry), Watson sidesteps all the sexual misconduct accusations against him, he’s never going to shake the baggage. By association the Eagles, the fans, all of us would get stuck with it.
It’s one thing to stick by a guy that we drafted, or who’d been here a couple years as a model citizen. If something like this had come out about transplants like Connor Barwinor Chris Long, we’d want to be damned sure that it wasn’t BS. But BS or not, to bring Watson in NOW, is to borrow trouble. Why do it?
Then there’s the notion of getting rid of Hurts, who by all accounts has been doing community outreach, talking about how frugal/responsible he’s being with his money, and working very hard to improve (even if some of his workouts do seem counter-intuitive). By any measure, Hurts has been what you want kids looking up to. Why trade that for Watson’s baggage?
In the event that we traded for Watson and he flopped here, we’d be out picks AND still need a QB. Raise your hand if you want tickets to that shit-show….
Now show me a side-eye if you’d rather pass. Right now my eye is so side, that I think I just sprained my neck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. That’s what I get for being a smart-ass. Worth it.
LOOK at that! The Bengals have converted their field from grass to mattresses. Not only has it already improved the look of their stadium, but their owner thinks it will extend, or at least not keep shortening, the lifespan of QB Joe Burrow. The team is also asking the league to allow Burrow to wear several pillows duct taped to his helmet. It’s either that or spend the money to protect him.
Steelers LB T.J. Watt increased his sack total for the third straight year in a row. Due to notching 16.5 sacks, he continues to be above criticism. This is despite sporting a missed tackle percentage of over 10 percent, in every season of his career. If only there were some sort of clue about how to fix the defense…
The carriage turned back into a pumpkin, and the horses turned back into rats, as the Browns returned to reality and went 3 – 14 this year.
Somewhere out there is a desperate Browns fan, carrying a clear, platform shoe, and searching for Princess Odell.
Ravens K Justin Tucker’s rap/opera album “Come Kick It Wit’ Me” shot to the top of the Italian pop music charts this year. Sighting how he didn’t need this “NFL boll sheed no mo’ ”, Tucker announced his retirement. After which he flipped the double-bird, as he rode away barefoot in a kiddie pool, which was situated in the bed of an El Camino. There was no water in the pool.
NFC NORTH!
Raise your hand if you predicted the Lions going 14 – 3, getting a first round bye, and winning it all.
“It’s better than drinkable water!” was how one fan described the Detroit Lions Super Bowl parade. Thousands of fans came out to celebrate and cheer their team, not long before tens of thousands of muggers descended on both the fans and the players. The car-jacking of a parade float would be the low-point of the day, and perhaps the lowest in all of American history.
After a just barely failing to qualify for a wild card berth, a 9 – 8 Minnesota team is still unsure if they’re a bad team that frequently overachieves, or a good team that chokes at the slightest sign of true relevance.
As Chicago continues their search for a passer, Bears QB Justin Fields was traded to Buffalo for QB Mitch Trubisky. One Chicago football fan said “Eh, it’s good we went an’got a veteran quarterback now, ‘cause Fields played like a rookie. I mean, why din’t he just look at what Tommy Bradley does in Tampa, then come right out and copy exactly what he saw?How hard could dat be, right?? Anyways, Trubisky sounds like a good Polish name. It feels familiar. I like it.”
After another implosion in the second round of the playoffs, QB Aaron Rodgers is continuing to act like he’s doing Packers fans a favor, by allowing them to overpay him millions more than he’s ever truly deserved. Perhaps Green Bay should have double checked for a discount.
AFC WEST!
After not allowing fans in to SoFi Stadium at all in 2020, the LA Chargers opened their arms to their loyal, fickle, frequently disinterested fan base. In a stadium that seats 70,000, the Chargers drew an average of 28,000 to their games. Somewhere the ghost of Al Davis is laughing so hard, that he’s gasping for air.
Despite being heavily favored by odds-makers, the Raiders Super Bowl loss continues to confound people. Suddenly retired Raider QB Derek Carr, could not be reached for comment as he was out on his yacht. The gold one, not the one made entirely out of stacks of money. His agent Pete Rose also declined comment.
The Chiefs were expected to have a more difficult road, but no one thought they’d miss the playoffs. As a disciplinary measure for yet another violation of team player conduct policy, Andy Reid ate WR Tyreek Hill, prior to the final game of the preseason. When asked if he regretted having eaten the WR, coach Reid responded “Listen, you’d expect athlete meat to be tough, but Tyreek, he was something special. Didn’t even need a marinade. Wait. What was the question?”
The Denver Broncos are trying to decide whether to screw over either another old RB, or another young QB, during this offseason. Either way, it will most certainly cripple the team’s offense next year. Their fans of course, will again feel like they’ve been stabbed directly in the face, when the team spends their top pick on a WR.
NFC WEST!
The 49ers, who paid QB Jimmy Garoppolo 26M$ to sit and watch rookie QB Trey Lance have an up and down year, will still owe Garoppolo 27M$ next year. Worse yet, they likely have to endure at least one more year with him on the roster, as he won’t waive his no-trade clause. That is, unless he gets an offer he likes, from a team that won’t mind him throwing with his eyes closed. Still, the defense was good enough for the team to post a 10 – 7 record.
Seattle RB Rashaad Penny was surprised to learn that the team is declining to pick up his 5th year option. Penny was selected in the first round of the 2018 Draft, but didn’t get his first start until 2021. In that game, he had one carry for 8 broken tackles, and a 63 yard touchdown. It also resulted in a torn hamstring which ended his season. Tore it right off the bone! When asked whether Penny is “a bust”, GM John Schneider, shrieked, burst into tears, and attempted to answer questions. He however, couldn’t be understood through his high-pitched, racking sobs. Seattle predictably bowed out in the second round of the playoffs.
No matter how much talent Arizona adds, sub .500 is the best God will allow. In other news, QB Kyler Murray married the dancing hula girl on the dash board of J.J. Watt’s car.
It was a beautiful ceremony. When Murray stood on a chair to kiss his bride, there wasn’t a dry eye to be seen, according to Stevie Wonder, who was told that he was in attendance.
The Rams added a ton of weapons in the offseason, but neglected to help their offensive line. This led to QB Matt Stafford being lost for the year in Week Two, and also left the run game stuck in neutral since the preseason. Give you one guess what they’ll be taking with their first round pick this year. Oh wait! They won’t have a first rounder this year. Or next year. Dopes.
AFC SOUTH!
After partially tearing the meniscus in his right knee in training camp, it was quickly thought by both QB Carson Wentz and the Colts front office, that the smartest thing would be for Carson to just rest, relax and let that tear take 3 to 5 months to heal on its own. While the Eagles paid him 34 million dollars.
Though Wentz played only half the season, taking just under 50% of the snaps, the Colts almost rallied to make the playoffs, going 7 – 1 with Wentz starting. Pretty smart trade. Especially since Wentz didn’t count against the Colts 2021 salary cap.
On a roster that features RB’s David Johnson, Mark Ingram, and Phillip Lindsay, you probably would never guess who led the team in rushing yards. It was Texans QB Tyrod Taylor, who spent the season running for his goddamned life. In the hopes of not suffering another punctured lung, Taylor racked up a career best 836 yards. Meanwhile, R. Kelly is alleging that QB Deshaun Watson inappropriately… (No. I’m going to draw a line here. Gotta preserve a little class.)
WE WILL SUCK YOUR DICK!!!! That’s the Jaguars latest promotion to get people to come to the stadium. Lord knows no one wants to watch them play football. Look at all the upgrades! Super-fast WiFi, an impressive sound system, they put in a party deck, a pool… They’ve done everything they can to avoid improving the team. Now the team has executives slobbing knobs. And they’re all so bad at it! C’mon folks! More spit, less teeth. This is basic stuff!
The Titans were the favorite to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, until QB Ryan Tannehill tore his Achilles in Week One, and QB DeShone Kizer “Soze” stepped in and killed the whole team. Kizer continued the 0 – 15 magic that he had in Cleveland, going 0 – 7 before being benched for QB Logan Woodside… who then promptly tore his ACL, meaning that Kizer would come back out, and finish the season. Kizer went 0 – 15 (again), even though he also lost the two games started by other QB’s.
NFC SOUTH.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have increased their reward for information about head coach Bruce Arian’s whereabouts. Police are looking at DT Ndamukong Suh as a person of interest because, well… Because he’s fucking Ndamukong Suh! I mean come on!
With the retirement of QB Drew Brees last year, the Saints 6 – 11 season shows that they have gone back to being the hapless, talent squandering, afterthoughts that have historically always been. Fans are taking it well, saying that their relevance was nice while it lasted.
The Falcons 5 – 12 record was predicted immediately after they traded WR Julio Jones to Tennessee last year. For a team with no defense, keeping Jones to go with their other weapons, would have made outscoring opponents easy. But Atlanta said “Fuck that!” and thew their easy button out of a tenth floor window. Nowwww look at them. Just look. SMDH.
Panthers RB Christian McCaffrey spent this season being 25 going on 35. Bouncing back from an injury, while being the focal point of an offense, with a QB trying to re-hab himself from having been a Jet, did no favors for McCaffrey. His 663 yards in 10 starts, will likely have the Panthers spending yet another late round draft pick on a RB, who is ill-suited to ever being a starter. Or a contributor. These guys just can’t learn.
AFC EAST!
The NFL finally made good on its threat to banish the Jets, who can no longer be referred to, as a “professional” football team. As the NCAA has not yet agreed to take them, the Jets have no official league designation yet. The CFL hasn’t offered a verbal or written response as to whether the Jets can seek asylum in Canada. However, the CFL’s pursed lips and side-eye, have offered a very strong hint about where they stand on the issue.
Bill Belichick has coached his last game for the Patriots. He is expected to take the job in Tampa Bay, after coach Bruce Arians suddenly went missing. QB Tom Brady is telling Congress that they cannot search his house.
Buffalo WR and anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley is recovering from the Delta variant of Covid-19. Luckily his access to the best medical treatment that NFL money can buy, put the odds for a full recovery, heavily in his favor. His wife Krystin however, was not an NFL employee. Get vaccinated.
After having changed his name from Jomal Wiltz to Jamal Perry in 2020, the IRS caught up with the Dolphins CB anyway. This goes to show, if you’re going to change your name, do it before you’re on television at least 17 times a year.
NFC EAST!!!
For the second year in a row, Washington won 7 games! While their 8 losses are fewer than the 9 from a year ago, their 2 ties offer little in the way of optimism. Because of that, there is currently a split in their fan base. Half of their fans argue that the 7 – 8 – 2 team, is an 8 – 8 team (“Because two half wins, equals one whole one. Dummy!”). Meanwhile, other half of their fan base sees the team as 7 – 8, and thus improved over 7 – 9 (“Because thems two ties cancels theyselves out. Stupid!”). Either way, the rest of us just see a degenerate, losing team that missed the playoffs.
The giants didn’t have to depend on a division rival to get to the playoffs this year, because they used StubHub! They got a great price, on great seats, and watched the Lions model the sort of franchise New York hopes to become. Maybe next year the giants won’t go 5 – 12, and they’ll qualify for a playoff berth on their own. Hey! The giants in the playoffs! Look at me! I got jokes!
The Cowboys went 12 – 5 and easily won their division. With a 5,000 yard passer, a 1,700 yard rusher, and THREE 1,000 yard receivers, right out of the gate, Dallas took the NFL by storm. Which is why their first round dismantling in the playoffs was so surprising. The 41 – 6 walloping at the hands of QB Joe Flacco, will forever be known in NFL circles as “The Dall-Ass Whipping”.
The Carson Wentz trade didn’t yield the Eagles a first round pick, and QB Jalen Hurtswas so bad that he was benched by Week Nine. Also, Head Coach Nick Sirianni retiring mid-season to join a professional Rochambeau league, didn’t surprise as many people as you’d think.
After which the hapless Eagles managed to rally and stumble into the playoffs as a wild card. At which point they utterly shelled the Cowboys 41 – 6, before losing to Detroit in the second round.
DISCLAIMER: If you use this article for gambling or betting purposes, you’re an idiot and your money is safer with other people. Don’t be dunce. Stop gambling on sports.
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