PROPERLY armed, the Eagles can win the NFC East. We’ll need to do some remodeling, but not full-on rebuilding. With the current combination of the Eagles being really good at some things, and our rivals being bad at some things, the door is open. More than just a little. We just need to add the right pieces to shore up our own weaknesses, before we attempt to stroll/walk/dip through it.
We have what seems like 700 picks in this Draft, but today I’m just going to focus on these five:
Round 1: No. 15 (from MIA)
Round 1: No. 18 (from NO)
Round 2: No. 51
Round 3: No. 83
Round 3: No. 101 (from NO)
Here are the players I want to see become Eagles this week:
Round 1: No. 15 – DT Jordan Davis: Some might consider this a few picks early, others will say it’s an outright reach. There’s a good chance that he won’t even be there at 15, so I wouldn’t gamble on that. Just to be sure, I’d offer this pick (#15) and #101 to Houston, for the #13 pick, to avoid losing Davis to Baltimore at #14.
What I see is five years (rookie contract) of a space eating, run-stuffer who absorbs double-teams, and helps to keep our LB’s clean, in a division that still runs the ball. Adding this guy would upgrade the entire defense on that alone. When DT Fletcher Cox is gone next year, Davis gives us someone to build around. He’d also help keep DT Javon Hargrave effective, and let DT Milton Williams play more DE.
Round 1: No. 18 – WR Treylon Burks: The Eagles made overture after overture to free agent WR’s this offseason, all of whom turned us down. Eventually the Eagles settled for WR Zach Pascal. Yes, settled. If you think our Front Office is done trying to upgrade our WR position, then you my friend have lost the plot.
The Eagles have fast guys at WR (Watkins, Hightower). We got guys you never heard of (Allen, Cain). Guys who can’t catch (Reagor). We have clever guys (Ward), TE guys (Arcega-Whiteside), shrug-worthy guys (Pascal). What we don’t have, is a big, fast, and physical guy. And that’s where Burks comes in.
Burks is so different from WR Devonta Smith, but WOW, what a potential combo! Smith is a precise route runner who creates separation and gives the QB, friendly places to put the ball. Burks can win contested catches and shed tackle attempts. So for each of them, Safety help is needed to prevent a routine catch from turning into six points. Which would make it very hard for a defensive coordinator to write a coverage concept, that wouldn’t get shredded on a weekly basis.
Round 2: No. 51 – S Daxton Hill: Though he plays a lot of Nickel CB, he can play anywhere in the secondary. Let me reiterate: Anywhere in the secondary. He’s a DB with 4.3 speed, and it shows up on film. Many athletes leave their impressive 40 times at the Combine. This kid had his on display before he got there. Better still, he attacks the football and causes interceptions for other players off of deflections.
The F.O. chased CB Stephon Gilmore in free agency, but they didn’t chase a bunch of CB’s. Pretty much just Gilmore, because… Well because he’s him. Otherwise we have Slay, Maddox, and 7 young CB’s to evaluate. Spending a high pick on another one, only makes that evaluation more complicated.
What we need, is a FS with Jaws-like closing speed, who is nearly impossible to outrun. This could be that guy.
Round 3: No. 83 – DE Joshua Paschal: He didn’t rack up a ton of sacks in college, and he’s not a pass rush demon. What he is, is a big, assignment solid DE. He sets the edge vs the run, and gains consistent penetration, proving disruptive both as a DE, and DT. He even flashes the ability to play as a 3-4 DE.
The best thing about him, is that he doesn’t just make plays when he isn’t blocked, or when he’s poorly blocked. This guy makes plays even after beating squared up offensive linemen. He plays a man’s game already. The idea of sitting him next to Jordan Davis for the next three of four years (or longer) is a happy thought.
+++++
This is how I’d like to see the first three rounds go.
Some NFL Drafts have good fourth rounds. When we look back in 5 years, I doubt this will be one of them. This is a shallow draft, in terms of finding many difference makers at RB, TE, QB, G, and DT. That being the case, we should grab what we need, and everything from the fourth round and on, view as a lottery scratch-off.
IMPROVE the roster. That’s the mission of this, and every offseason. The first step (as always), is not to do anything stupid, which either leaves a hole, or depletes depth. Teams sometimes do that when they have plans to add X-free agent, and/or Y-draft pick. Problem is, when they land neither player X nor Y, they get left with a hole. Often gaping. So let’s not do something stupid.
If we’re smart, here are six holes we’ll avoid creating, just by re-signing guys:
G – Nate Herbig: He’s been solid everywhere we’ve put him (LG – C – RG). He has inside versatility, is more reliable than Sua Opeta, and may be a better starter thanIsaac Seumalo.
RB – Jordan Howard: His neck is a bit of a concern, but the Eagles need a bruiser, and unless the Front Office plans to trade for one, free agency is loaded with guys who either won’t come here (John Conner, Melvin Gordon, Leonard Fournette); guys who don’t run as big as their size (Peyton Barber, Kalen Ballage, Damien Williams); and the 30+ club (Latavius Murray, Brandon Bolden).
CB – Steven Nelson: Though he didn’t have the monster season that Darius Slay had, Nelson only surrendered an average of 33.9 yards per game. (Slay averaged 31.) Whether the plan is to develop Zech MacPhearsonor draft another kid, keeping Nelson around is the smart play. If we let him walk, who starts in his place?….Exactly.
OLB – Alex Singleton: The Eagles need to upgrade our pool of LB talent. No argument there. However, if the Eagles don’t re-sign Singleton, that would leave us with promising, but still raw Davion Taylor and our fingers crossed. Singleton isn’t flashy, but he hustles, and doesn’t quit on plays. His attitude is exactly what incoming rookies needs to see.
FS – Rod McLeod: We aren’t even close to having an answer at this position if we let him walk. Eagles fans want FA Tyrann Mathieu, but he’s going to have plenty of suitors. So Mathieu coming here, is far from a slam dunk. McLeod is already here and wants to come back. Why be difficult? Just take ‘Yes’ for an answer.
WR – Greg Ward: He is the most veteran player at his position, in a room full of pups. He’s also one of just TWO decent Punt Returners under contract with this team. And that’s counting Active roster, Practice Squad, and even guys on Injured Reserve.
*****
Keep in mind, any of the players that we re-sign, we can still cut later. Re-signing these guys just means that moves made subsequently, can be done with far less risk. As for the remaining eight, I like some of them, but many of them don’t fit the Eagles big picture.
DE Derek Barnett will never produce more than 7 sacks, in a system which plays it’s CB’s off so much.
DT Hassan Ridgeway is a solid rotation guy, and I’ve been big on him for years. Unfortunately for him, he’s in Milton Williams’s way. Williams was a third round pick and unlike Ridgeway, he can be flexed out to DE.
RB Boston Scott is a gamer, but A) Someone is going to throw him more than 3 million a year, B) It shouldn’t be us, since we’ll soon have to pay RB Miles Sanders; C) Three small RB’s in Scott, Kenneth Gainwelland Jason Huntley is two too many.
CB Andre Chachere makes you notice him, but the numbers game at his position might run him out of town. Even more so, I think his style of play would be better suited to FS, but the Eagles FO is still hoping that K’Von Wallace pans out there, since they spent a draft pick on him.
The Eagles have already re-signed TE Richard Rodgers. As much as the Front Office raves about TE Tyree Jackson, his ACL tear in Week 18 means that he’ll miss OTA’s, mini-camp, and some, or all of Training Camp. Rodgers represents depth and starter insurance.
And now for some bad news. We can’t claim to be rebuilding. We did that last year, and we made the playoffs. Making the playoffs is now expected for this team. Playoffs is the floor, not the ceiling in 2022. We will not sneak up on anyone this year. Everything that this team does now, is not to build a winner, but to go further this year. This year.
We want to open Training Camp with the Eagles being more talented, and more dangerous, than when our season ended. That process begins with the start of Free Agency on March 16th. We’ll take care of our in-house business, then chase the outside. Remember, the first step (as always), is not to do anything stupid.
LAST week we went to Washington and chalked the Redskins in their home.
SEASON OVER!
That win clinched a playoff berth for us, but also renders this game against the Cowboys sort of anti-climactic. Add to that, the 12 players we put on the Covid list this week, and the volume really gets turned down on this one.
We currently occupy the 7th seed which means our likely first round opponent would be the Rams. If the 49ers lose, it could catapult us from the 7th seed, alllllllll the way up the 6th seed. In which case we’d likely draw Tampa Bay. Who cares? You? Me neither.
This week a win can’t help us and a loss can’t hurt us. Which has people of three minds:
1) Rest the starters, so that we don’t lose anyone before the playoffs.
2) Play to win, because it’s Dallas.
3) Play the starters just for a half, to practice some of our weaknesses.
I’m in camp number THREE. The stakes are no longer based on the climb to the playoffs. We’re there already. The next set of stakes are IN the playoffs. There are no stakes this week. None. So just use this week as an assessment tool/study hall.
There will be stakes again, soon enough.
****
The point of Four Things isn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics will practically guarantee our Eagles this win. CAUTION: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use FT as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money, and will deserve it when you do.
So let’s talk about the Four Things we need to focus on this week versus the Cowboys:
1) Understand the moment: QB Jalen Hurtsis 0 – 2 vs the Cowboys, having been blown-out both times. Getting him his first win against them, while at home? That would be big for him. Huge in fact. Because calling a QB who can’t beat Dallas, “our franchise”? Nope. Can’t do it. Hurts could use the win. That said, it shouldn’t be our focus.
Seeing the big picture, should be our focus. Use this week to practice things we suck at, and get some game experience for our deep bench. Playing the starters for the full game, or until one of them is injured, would show that Head Coach Nick Sirianni doesn’t understand the moment.
2) Dig DEEP: While a win would be nice, don’t get hung-up watching the scoreboard. Instead, here’s what you should look for: QB Reid Sinnettgetting some action; WRJ.J. Arcega-Whitesidecatching passes; CB Zech McPhearson covering WR Amari Cooper; OT Andre Dillard trying to show that he can run block; LB Patrick Johnsonand LB Shaun Bradley getting 10+ defensive snaps. And maybe a few runs from RB Kerryon Johnson!
Players you don’t know, making 2 to 4 nice plays after half-time. That’s the ideal situation.
3) Going Out In Style:If our starters beat-up on their back-ups, that’s a cheap win. It’s a chicken-shit way to win a game.
Ideally, when our starters leave this game, two things should be true: 1) Dallas’s starters are still out there, and 2) We have the lead. Regardless of how small it is.
That way it can (and WILL), be said that our starters could have won this game, had they played the whole thing.
Besides, Dallas has spent so much money on overpaying starters, that the depth on that team looks like high school JV squad. To stand any chance of winning, they’d have to leave their starters in. Their starters vs our back-ups? What a chicken-shit way to win.
4) Do some reckless shit: This is a game without consequences! Do some stuff that normally would get the coaching staff crucified for trying it. Stuff like:
Not punting all game long.
Giving LS Rick Lovatoa couple of defensive snaps at LB.
Letting WR Greg Ward play QB for a series. (He played it in college.)
Giving LT Jordan Mailata a carry in the redzone
Just something wild and crazy. Look, this is the last home game of the year for Birds fans. It’s a night game, and it’s going to be windy and about 25 degrees. Give those fans something to remember, before our team goes on the road for possibly the next 4 games.
….
If we do these Four Things,
It should build confidence and loosen the entire roster up. It could act to bring more joy to the hard work, of preparing to beat playoff teams. Winning this week would be great. However, this week isn’t about that. It’s about getting everyone focused on a much bigger prize.
That having been said, the last time we faced Dallas, our coaching staff called 39 passes and just 3 handoffs. THREE run plays, all day long. As a team we ran for 64 yards. Jalen Hurts ran 9 times for 35. We had 29 yards on 3 handoffs, and still we didn’t hand the ball off more. RB Jordan Howard wasn’t even on the active roster.
That is NOT the Eagles team that the Cowboys will face this Saturday Night.
This time around, vs a defensive line built to rush the passer, our O-Line needs to practice putting foot to ass. The tone of this game will be 180 degrees from the last one. Those fuckers won’t have any idea of what hit them.
****
PREDICTION: EAGLES 20 – Cowboys 9
Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how it went.
New categories include an EXCLUSIVE weekly Offensive Line Report (Rushing TD’s + 3rd and 4th downs converted:missed of 2 yards or less – sacks allowed); as well as Drive Killer (Int – FR – 4th down Tackles – FF – TD).
Drive Killer: (S ) OLB Alex Singleton(1 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 1)
Sack Leader: (S ) DE Josh Sweat(4 – 1.0 – 0 – 1)
****
I hear you asking, “What about all the stuff that stats don’t reveal?” Well, that’s the reason for these Four Things articles. It’s to point out what we need to address BEFORE the game. Then AFTER the game, there’s a no-bullshit assessment of whether or not the Eagles did any of what they needed to do, to ensure the win.
So how much of what I mentioned in Four Things: giants did the Eagles actually get around to doing? Well let’s see:
1) Run Jordan for Miles: Sadly, both RB Miles Sanders (7 – 45 – 6.4 – 0 – 0) and RB Jordan Howard (9 – 37 – 4.1 – 0 – 0) were injured during the game, but not before combining for 82 yard on 16 carries (5.1 ypc). When RB Boston Scott (12 – 41 – 3.4 – 1 – 0) was called on to fill-in, he added an early score.
Scott’s contribution to this team is not to be overlooked. However, the loss of pop in his legs as his usage piled up, was noticeable. Again. If Sanders and Howard are going to keep finding their way into street clothes during games, the Eagles are going to need to carry four active players at this position. (DONE)
2) Feature Devonta:Who lead the team in receiving yards? Devonta did! Who led the team in catches? Devonta did that too! Who led the team in targets? Oh my gaw- Was that Devonta? Why yes it was Devonta! Who led the team in touchdown catches? RT Lane Johnson ( 1 – 1 – 1.0 – 1) tied for the team lead with that.
This was a game where we needed our best, to be our best, and Devonta stepped up and was that. His touchdown catch had almost enough toe drag swag, to give me a foot fetish. Right Rex?(DONE)
3) Blow up the Center:We did this, but we did quite a few other things too. This factored in the most, on the interception that QB Jake Fromm (6/17 – 35.2% – 25 – 0 – 1) threw to FS Rod McLeod (1 – 0.0 – 1 – 0). Fromm couldn’t step into his throw, tried to muscle it in, and it sailed on him. Right into McLeod’s mitts.
We were getting away with doing so many different things to Fromm, that the giants pulled him in the third quarter, and sent out QB Mike Glennon (17/27 – 62.9% – 93 – 1 – 1). Glennon came out and threw two touchdowns. If you count the one to Eagles LB Alex Singleton. (DONE)
4) Be Active Pre-snap:We did some of this, but not enough of it. Fromm seemed more flustered by the speed of the game and the pass rush, than he was by the reads. While his percentage looks awful, Fromm didn’t throw the ball into dangerous places, and generally on his incompletions it was easy to understand his decision making. (NOT DONE)
****
So that gives us3 of the Four Things, and an easy victory to boot. Next week we get to visit Washington! Their team (at 6 – 9) is still mathematically alive for playoff contention. So of course we have to do to them, what we just did to New York.
****
On The Whole:
The Offense can’t afford slow starts like this. Scoring 3 points in an entire half of a game is unacceptable. Of course, that’s what will happen when the head coach gets cute.
Look, the Eagles offensive strength is running the ball. So why were 6 of our first 7 plays, passes? Simple. It was Head Coach Nick Siriannilooking to prove how clever he is. That cost us the game last time. This time he wised up.
THIS is some bullshit!! Our game against the Washington Redskins (don’t bother complaining), was postponed for two days, from Sunday to Tuesday. My biggest gripe with this is pretty the same gripe that every Eagles fan has: It robs us of two days rest and prep on the back-end for the giants game next Sunday.
If we were tanking and just running down the season, it wouldn’t matter and none of us would care. However, we are trying to make a push to qualify for the playoffs. In fact, as of today it’s still mathematically possible (though highly unlikely) that we could win the division. So anything that rocks our boat, acts as a hindrance to that effort.
What makes this so heinous, is that this hindrance was a deliberate act, handed down from the league itself. Worse, is the felling that we are being punished for the Redskins irresponsibility, while they seem to be receiving a form of clemency for it.
And honestly, what is to be gained from giving Washington two more days? They didn’t start tagging players until Tuesday the 14th. The quarantine period is 10 days. Tuesday the 21st is just 7 days from the earliest diagnoses. Some players weren’t popping until Friday the 17th. That’s just FOUR days. The CDC itself says that these windows wouldn’t be wide enough.
Players need two negative tests in 48 hours to return. If they were being watched for exposure, that’s one thing, but for those INFECTED, they can’t come back on Tuesday. They still have to quarantine because they may still be shedding virus, regardless of what the tests say about their infection state. Virus can be shed over a period of 8 – 31 days.
So the Redskins get no additional benefit from the two days. At best, all it does is slow US down.
Back in the Summer, the NFL declared that teams who didn’t follow proper protocols, and had outbreaks of Covid among their players and coaches, faced possible forfeitures as a consequence. Well, the instant that was tested, that policy flew right out the window.
Understand, the NFL is currently discussing moving other games as well. So it’s entirely possible that the giants game could also be moved. However, that ripple of a short week WILL show up in the next four. Given that we’re at the low-end of a playoff push, and ALL FOUR of these games are against division opponents, this is some ultimate fuckery.
PHILADELPHIA beat the holy hell out of Atlanta, 32 – 6 in the season opener. It brings our Eagles to 1 – 0, and puts us in the driver’s seat for the division lead, since no one else in our division was up to the challenge put to them this week. But just how significant was our victory over the Falcons?
Atlanta is a bad team. Let’s get that out of the way, right now. Like us, they were 4 – 12 last year. In fact, they originally were two draft slots ahead of us, until we traded back from 6th to 10th. Their defense was the stuff of comedy legend. Only three teams allowed more yards than Atlanta did. Nobody allowed more passing yards.
As a result, last week’s NFL Power rankings had the Eagles ranked 25th and the Falcons 26th. In an article that the NFL put out last Monday, they had the Falcons projected win total at 6, and ours at 5. All indications had us being evenly matched teams. Except, 32 – 6 proved that we are not evenly matched.
A score like 39 – 40 indicates being evenly matched.
(Remember how dominant the Cowboys were in this one?)
But back to the Eagles! The beginning of the game saw the Eagles getting punched in the mouth, and it seemed like our Defense would get run over all day. Then our Defense rallied, holding a 1st and Goal, to a field goal. After which, we built from there. That’s character. Which has nothing to do with how good the Falcons are or aren’t, but has everything to do who the Eagles are.
Despite all the media pundits putting rookie TE Kyle Pitts in the Hall Of Fame, prior to even playing a game, he was held in check with a small Nickelback in Avonte Maddox. Atlanta was held to 0/2 in the red zone. Meanwhile our execution had us 3 for 3.
This was all done with a rookie head coach, and most impressively, no turnovers. We committed none, and we got none, and still we blew a team out. We put up a 26 point differential, without taking the ball away ONCE. Did you know, there are teams out there who can’t win a game, even if they get spotted FOUR turnovers. It’s true!
“It was just the Falcons.” Sure, if you’re an idiot. For those who aren’t idiots, this game wasn’t about the opponent. It was about the Eagles. The Eagles didn’t squeak by the Falcons. They did what you’d expect a playoff team to do to a bad team. They wiped the FLOOR with them. The Eagles got punched in the mouth 0 – 3, took the lead 7 – 3 on rookie WR Devonta Smith‘s TD grab, and from there never looked back.
How meaningful was this win? That question isn’t determined by who is, or who isn’t across the line from us. It’s about who we ourselves are striving to be, regardless of who opposes us, or doesn’t believe in us. It’s about being good enough, because we continuously make damned sure, that we are. Don’t let anyone obscure that for you. Not regarding this football game, or in your day to day lives.
And only an idiot wouldn’t see the meaning, in that.
CENSORSHIP is running amok on Facebook. This is mostly an overcompensation for all the illegal stuff that FB was rumored to be letting Russian hackers (cough cough, government agents) get away with, prior to the 2016 Presidential election.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg had his ass hauled in front of Congress, and now the social media platform is taking down anything that can be misconstrued as bullying, or spreading false information. They’re even going so far as to take down memes and posts from 2017 and earlier. As a result, lots of the funniest shit that you and I ever posted, is coming down.
Since I hate that, I decided to create a running page of rude, sexualized, sometimes blatantly offensive memes, just because I think there should be a place where we ADULTS, can still be treated as such.
And so. Without further ado…
THE OFFENSIVE SHIT!
FB actually flagged me for this one, back when I made it.
RIGHTS were not trampled. No freedoms were infringed. The NFL simply said that if an outbreak costs the league, it will also cost the players. That was me paraphrasing, but that’s essentially the jist of it. Yet over these last two days, the amount of arguing this has generated has been insane. So here’s my two cents.
The players have every right to choose whether or not they’ll be vaccinated against Covid-19. Over the last few months, the NFL as an organization has made it abundantly clear that they understand the players right to choose. That said, the NFL has also made it clear that in the event of a team-wide outbreak of the virus, games may have to be forfeited.
While no player’s right to choose was in any way infringed, each NFL owner is telling his roster:
And that is THEIR right.
If players choosing not get vaccinated leads to a team-wide outbreak, the players may have to eat not only the loss of those game-checks, but also a game loss, which will affect playoff positioning eventually.
It’s entirely possible that your favorite team could go, let’s say 8 – 9 instead of 10 – 7, due to a two week shutdown for Covid. Now imagine that just one of those forfeits was to a division rival. If your team finished second (again 8 – 9) behind a 9 – 8 division rival, and missed a playoff berth, as a fan you’d be angry. Teammates however, would be at each other’s throats. In some cases literally.
It makes me wonder how many “on the bubble” situations will come down to a vaccinated player being prioritized, over a slightly more talented player, who isn’t vaccinated. I’m of course talking back-ups, not starters. But every unvaccinated player is one who could help generate one or more automatic losses. Imagine losing games without even getting to try. That’s what this is!
This edict from the NFL will not automatically get vaccines into players arms. What it will do is call their commitment to winning into question. Not just by teammates, but when contracts have to be negotiated. When sponsors are looking for a face to endorse their offerings. When votes are cast for Canton.
The NFL recognizes that the players have the freedom to choose. However, they are also recognizing a seldom acknowledged truth about freedom. Like the coin flipped before every game, freedom is on one side and consequence is on the other. Whenever you can only see one side of the coin, it is being rested on, it is being propped up by, the side that you don’t.
I for one, am happy about this. In recent years, far too many Americans have been screaming about freedom, without really giving any thought to the responsibility that comes with wielding it. Perhaps this will help spark some well overdue conversations about it.
LOOK at that! The Bengals have converted their field from grass to mattresses. Not only has it already improved the look of their stadium, but their owner thinks it will extend, or at least not keep shortening, the lifespan of QB Joe Burrow. The team is also asking the league to allow Burrow to wear several pillows duct taped to his helmet. It’s either that or spend the money to protect him.
Steelers LB T.J. Watt increased his sack total for the third straight year in a row. Due to notching 16.5 sacks, he continues to be above criticism. This is despite sporting a missed tackle percentage of over 10 percent, in every season of his career. If only there were some sort of clue about how to fix the defense…
The carriage turned back into a pumpkin, and the horses turned back into rats, as the Browns returned to reality and went 3 – 14 this year.
Somewhere out there is a desperate Browns fan, carrying a clear, platform shoe, and searching for Princess Odell.
Ravens K Justin Tucker’s rap/opera album “Come Kick It Wit’ Me” shot to the top of the Italian pop music charts this year. Sighting how he didn’t need this “NFL boll sheed no mo’ ”, Tucker announced his retirement. After which he flipped the double-bird, as he rode away barefoot in a kiddie pool, which was situated in the bed of an El Camino. There was no water in the pool.
NFC NORTH!
Raise your hand if you predicted the Lions going 14 – 3, getting a first round bye, and winning it all.
“It’s better than drinkable water!” was how one fan described the Detroit Lions Super Bowl parade. Thousands of fans came out to celebrate and cheer their team, not long before tens of thousands of muggers descended on both the fans and the players. The car-jacking of a parade float would be the low-point of the day, and perhaps the lowest in all of American history.
After a just barely failing to qualify for a wild card berth, a 9 – 8 Minnesota team is still unsure if they’re a bad team that frequently overachieves, or a good team that chokes at the slightest sign of true relevance.
As Chicago continues their search for a passer, Bears QB Justin Fields was traded to Buffalo for QB Mitch Trubisky. One Chicago football fan said “Eh, it’s good we went an’got a veteran quarterback now, ‘cause Fields played like a rookie. I mean, why din’t he just look at what Tommy Bradley does in Tampa, then come right out and copy exactly what he saw?How hard could dat be, right?? Anyways, Trubisky sounds like a good Polish name. It feels familiar. I like it.”
After another implosion in the second round of the playoffs, QB Aaron Rodgers is continuing to act like he’s doing Packers fans a favor, by allowing them to overpay him millions more than he’s ever truly deserved. Perhaps Green Bay should have double checked for a discount.
AFC WEST!
After not allowing fans in to SoFi Stadium at all in 2020, the LA Chargers opened their arms to their loyal, fickle, frequently disinterested fan base. In a stadium that seats 70,000, the Chargers drew an average of 28,000 to their games. Somewhere the ghost of Al Davis is laughing so hard, that he’s gasping for air.
Despite being heavily favored by odds-makers, the Raiders Super Bowl loss continues to confound people. Suddenly retired Raider QB Derek Carr, could not be reached for comment as he was out on his yacht. The gold one, not the one made entirely out of stacks of money. His agent Pete Rose also declined comment.
The Chiefs were expected to have a more difficult road, but no one thought they’d miss the playoffs. As a disciplinary measure for yet another violation of team player conduct policy, Andy Reid ate WR Tyreek Hill, prior to the final game of the preseason. When asked if he regretted having eaten the WR, coach Reid responded “Listen, you’d expect athlete meat to be tough, but Tyreek, he was something special. Didn’t even need a marinade. Wait. What was the question?”
The Denver Broncos are trying to decide whether to screw over either another old RB, or another young QB, during this offseason. Either way, it will most certainly cripple the team’s offense next year. Their fans of course, will again feel like they’ve been stabbed directly in the face, when the team spends their top pick on a WR.
NFC WEST!
The 49ers, who paid QB Jimmy Garoppolo 26M$ to sit and watch rookie QB Trey Lance have an up and down year, will still owe Garoppolo 27M$ next year. Worse yet, they likely have to endure at least one more year with him on the roster, as he won’t waive his no-trade clause. That is, unless he gets an offer he likes, from a team that won’t mind him throwing with his eyes closed. Still, the defense was good enough for the team to post a 10 – 7 record.
Seattle RB Rashaad Penny was surprised to learn that the team is declining to pick up his 5th year option. Penny was selected in the first round of the 2018 Draft, but didn’t get his first start until 2021. In that game, he had one carry for 8 broken tackles, and a 63 yard touchdown. It also resulted in a torn hamstring which ended his season. Tore it right off the bone! When asked whether Penny is “a bust”, GM John Schneider, shrieked, burst into tears, and attempted to answer questions. He however, couldn’t be understood through his high-pitched, racking sobs. Seattle predictably bowed out in the second round of the playoffs.
No matter how much talent Arizona adds, sub .500 is the best God will allow. In other news, QB Kyler Murray married the dancing hula girl on the dash board of J.J. Watt’s car.
It was a beautiful ceremony. When Murray stood on a chair to kiss his bride, there wasn’t a dry eye to be seen, according to Stevie Wonder, who was told that he was in attendance.
The Rams added a ton of weapons in the offseason, but neglected to help their offensive line. This led to QB Matt Stafford being lost for the year in Week Two, and also left the run game stuck in neutral since the preseason. Give you one guess what they’ll be taking with their first round pick this year. Oh wait! They won’t have a first rounder this year. Or next year. Dopes.
AFC SOUTH!
After partially tearing the meniscus in his right knee in training camp, it was quickly thought by both QB Carson Wentz and the Colts front office, that the smartest thing would be for Carson to just rest, relax and let that tear take 3 to 5 months to heal on its own. While the Eagles paid him 34 million dollars.
Though Wentz played only half the season, taking just under 50% of the snaps, the Colts almost rallied to make the playoffs, going 7 – 1 with Wentz starting. Pretty smart trade. Especially since Wentz didn’t count against the Colts 2021 salary cap.
On a roster that features RB’s David Johnson, Mark Ingram, and Phillip Lindsay, you probably would never guess who led the team in rushing yards. It was Texans QB Tyrod Taylor, who spent the season running for his goddamned life. In the hopes of not suffering another punctured lung, Taylor racked up a career best 836 yards. Meanwhile, R. Kelly is alleging that QB Deshaun Watson inappropriately… (No. I’m going to draw a line here. Gotta preserve a little class.)
WE WILL SUCK YOUR DICK!!!! That’s the Jaguars latest promotion to get people to come to the stadium. Lord knows no one wants to watch them play football. Look at all the upgrades! Super-fast WiFi, an impressive sound system, they put in a party deck, a pool… They’ve done everything they can to avoid improving the team. Now the team has executives slobbing knobs. And they’re all so bad at it! C’mon folks! More spit, less teeth. This is basic stuff!
The Titans were the favorite to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, until QB Ryan Tannehill tore his Achilles in Week One, and QB DeShone Kizer “Soze” stepped in and killed the whole team. Kizer continued the 0 – 15 magic that he had in Cleveland, going 0 – 7 before being benched for QB Logan Woodside… who then promptly tore his ACL, meaning that Kizer would come back out, and finish the season. Kizer went 0 – 15 (again), even though he also lost the two games started by other QB’s.
NFC SOUTH.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have increased their reward for information about head coach Bruce Arian’s whereabouts. Police are looking at DT Ndamukong Suh as a person of interest because, well… Because he’s fucking Ndamukong Suh! I mean come on!
With the retirement of QB Drew Brees last year, the Saints 6 – 11 season shows that they have gone back to being the hapless, talent squandering, afterthoughts that have historically always been. Fans are taking it well, saying that their relevance was nice while it lasted.
The Falcons 5 – 12 record was predicted immediately after they traded WR Julio Jones to Tennessee last year. For a team with no defense, keeping Jones to go with their other weapons, would have made outscoring opponents easy. But Atlanta said “Fuck that!” and thew their easy button out of a tenth floor window. Nowwww look at them. Just look. SMDH.
Panthers RB Christian McCaffrey spent this season being 25 going on 35. Bouncing back from an injury, while being the focal point of an offense, with a QB trying to re-hab himself from having been a Jet, did no favors for McCaffrey. His 663 yards in 10 starts, will likely have the Panthers spending yet another late round draft pick on a RB, who is ill-suited to ever being a starter. Or a contributor. These guys just can’t learn.
AFC EAST!
The NFL finally made good on its threat to banish the Jets, who can no longer be referred to, as a “professional” football team. As the NCAA has not yet agreed to take them, the Jets have no official league designation yet. The CFL hasn’t offered a verbal or written response as to whether the Jets can seek asylum in Canada. However, the CFL’s pursed lips and side-eye, have offered a very strong hint about where they stand on the issue.
Bill Belichick has coached his last game for the Patriots. He is expected to take the job in Tampa Bay, after coach Bruce Arians suddenly went missing. QB Tom Brady is telling Congress that they cannot search his house.
Buffalo WR and anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley is recovering from the Delta variant of Covid-19. Luckily his access to the best medical treatment that NFL money can buy, put the odds for a full recovery, heavily in his favor. His wife Krystin however, was not an NFL employee. Get vaccinated.
After having changed his name from Jomal Wiltz to Jamal Perry in 2020, the IRS caught up with the Dolphins CB anyway. This goes to show, if you’re going to change your name, do it before you’re on television at least 17 times a year.
NFC EAST!!!
For the second year in a row, Washington won 7 games! While their 8 losses are fewer than the 9 from a year ago, their 2 ties offer little in the way of optimism. Because of that, there is currently a split in their fan base. Half of their fans argue that the 7 – 8 – 2 team, is an 8 – 8 team (“Because two half wins, equals one whole one. Dummy!”). Meanwhile, other half of their fan base sees the team as 7 – 8, and thus improved over 7 – 9 (“Because thems two ties cancels theyselves out. Stupid!”). Either way, the rest of us just see a degenerate, losing team that missed the playoffs.
The giants didn’t have to depend on a division rival to get to the playoffs this year, because they used StubHub! They got a great price, on great seats, and watched the Lions model the sort of franchise New York hopes to become. Maybe next year the giants won’t go 5 – 12, and they’ll qualify for a playoff berth on their own. Hey! The giants in the playoffs! Look at me! I got jokes!
The Cowboys went 12 – 5 and easily won their division. With a 5,000 yard passer, a 1,700 yard rusher, and THREE 1,000 yard receivers, right out of the gate, Dallas took the NFL by storm. Which is why their first round dismantling in the playoffs was so surprising. The 41 – 6 walloping at the hands of QB Joe Flacco, will forever be known in NFL circles as “The Dall-Ass Whipping”.
The Carson Wentz trade didn’t yield the Eagles a first round pick, and QB Jalen Hurtswas so bad that he was benched by Week Nine. Also, Head Coach Nick Sirianni retiring mid-season to join a professional Rochambeau league, didn’t surprise as many people as you’d think.
After which the hapless Eagles managed to rally and stumble into the playoffs as a wild card. At which point they utterly shelled the Cowboys 41 – 6, before losing to Detroit in the second round.
DISCLAIMER: If you use this article for gambling or betting purposes, you’re an idiot and your money is safer with other people. Don’t be dunce. Stop gambling on sports.
Hey giants fans! This TANK, is called the Eagle 7.
LAST year the NFC East was the laughingstock of the NFL. Aggressive moves have been made to ensure that history will not be repeating itself anytime soon. While every team in the division ranks #21 or lower in the NFL power rankings, the rosters in this division are telling a different story.
Alright. So yeah, Washington is Washington. Their power moves were to sign a pair of slot receivers (Curtis Samuels and Adam Humphries), and Dr. Jekyll (Ryan Fitzpatrick) to play QB. Adding G Ereck Flowers was a sneaky good move, but hardly a transcendent one. Adding an OT and then subtracting another, was definitely not a step forward. While Washington is the early favorite to win the East, they seem to be back in self-sabotage mode.
As for the other three teams:
Dallas fans made it clear to the owner, that they were done quietly waiting for their team’s defense to improve.
In response, the Cowboys cleaned house in terms of both coaches and players. They then leaned heavy on defense in the Draft. While they may not have added free agents who are household names, they’ve sent a message from the top-down, that they are serious about getting results.
The giants took a risk adding CB Adoree Jackson, but if he can stay healthy, they have probably the best CB duo in the division. Signing Kelvin Benjamin to play TE, was a magnificent piece of outside the box thinking. Benjamin had trouble getting reliable separation from DB’s. However, if he can (very likely) gain separation on LB’s, then a Safety will have to be cheated away from a WR to help cover him. Benjamin may all at once, make the giants more explosive and help them challenge for the best TE duo in the division.
The Eagles made no fewer than FOUR non-Draft related moves. All of which look low-key at a glance. However, upon further inspection… For new DC Jonathan Gannon, signing former Vikings OLB Eric Wilson and S Anthony Harris, gives him two guys who can help quickly install his system, because they’ve played together while under Gannon. Slick move. Signing RB Kerryon Johnson was a stroke of pure genius, which I discussed in my last article (The Eagles RB’s). Then of course, there’s the addition of OLB Ryan Kerrigan.
One of my brothers speculated that Kerrigan could be Chris Long 2.0 for the Eagles. Maybe, but I doubt it. I think his real value, will be in getting young players to realize, they will have to out-produce Kerrigan, to take his spot in the rotation. He either forces them to step up, or it tells the Eagles that next year’s Draft, will be heavily spent re-arming the Defensive Line.
Getting QB Jalen Hurts a WR (Devonta Smith) that he already has chemistry with, was also a boss level move.
Nobody in the NFC East was okay with how 2020 ended. Well… I guess Washington seems to be. Honestly, watching their fans practically give each other handjobs over a 7 – 9 season, just to be bounced in the first round of the playoffs… Their “bragging” has been really hard to watch.
As for the rest of the division, none of us is looking for a repeat of 2020. The NFL had better not get caught sleeping.
EAGLEMANIACAL.com 