Rants

REALITY CHECK FOR EAGLES FANS

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/09/14
Posted in: Conversations, Fans, NFL, Rants, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

PHILADELPHIA beat the holy hell out of Atlanta, 32 – 6 in the season opener. It brings our Eagles to 1 – 0, and puts us in the driver’s seat for the division lead, since no one else in our division was up to the challenge put to them this week. But just how significant was our victory over the Falcons?

Atlanta is a bad team. Let’s get that out of the way, right now. Like us, they were 4 – 12 last year. In fact, they originally were two draft slots ahead of us, until we traded back from 6th to 10th. Their defense was the stuff of comedy legend. Only three teams allowed more yards than Atlanta did. Nobody allowed more passing yards.

As a result, last week’s NFL Power rankings had the Eagles ranked 25th and the Falcons 26th. In an article that the NFL put out last Monday, they had the Falcons projected win total at 6, and ours at 5. All indications had us being evenly matched teams. Except, 32 – 6 proved that we are not evenly matched.

A score like 39 – 40 indicates being evenly matched. 

(Remember how dominant the Cowboys were in this one?)

But back to the Eagles! The beginning of the game saw the Eagles getting punched in the mouth, and it seemed like our Defense would get run over all day. Then our Defense rallied, holding a 1st and Goal, to a field goal. After which, we built from there. That’s character. Which has nothing to do with how good the Falcons are or aren’t, but has everything to do who the Eagles are.

Despite all the media pundits putting rookie TE Kyle Pitts in the Hall Of Fame, prior to even playing a game, he was held in check with a small Nickelback in Avonte Maddox. Atlanta was held to 0/2 in the red zone. Meanwhile our execution had us 3 for 3.

This was all done with a rookie head coach, and most impressively, no turnovers. We committed none, and we got none, and still we blew a team out. We put up a 26 point differential, without taking the ball away ONCE. Did you know, there are teams out there who can’t win a game, even if they get spotted FOUR turnovers. It’s true!

“It was just the Falcons.” Sure, if you’re an idiot. For those who aren’t idiots, this game wasn’t about the opponent. It was about the Eagles. The Eagles didn’t squeak by the Falcons. They did what you’d expect a playoff team to do to a bad team. They wiped the FLOOR with them. The Eagles got punched in the mouth 0 – 3, took the lead 7 – 3 on rookie WR Devonta Smith‘s TD grab, and from there never looked back.

How meaningful was this win? That question isn’t determined by who is, or who isn’t across the line from us. It’s about who we ourselves are striving to be, regardless of who opposes us, or doesn’t believe in us. It’s about being good enough, because we continuously make damned sure, that we are. Don’t let anyone obscure that for you. Not regarding this football game, or in your day to day lives.

And only an idiot wouldn’t see the meaning, in that.

THE QB OF THE FUTURE

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/09/06
Posted in: Conspiracy Corner, Conversations, Front Office (F.O.), NFL, Offense, Players, Rants, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

THIS is Monday, September 6th 2021, and this article will probably seem crazy to you.

While everyone else was yelling and weighing-in on the trade for QB Gardner Minshew, I shut up. What I did was sit back, observe, and consider.

This article marks my first official statement on the trade, or on what Minshew being an Eagle truly heralds. This article is not about this season, but about the future. The long game.

Never lose sight of the long game.

*******

Early in June, I wrote that the NFL is Killing Off All Starting QB’s. I told you that the NFL is changing the concept of the every game starter. I got into the reasons why this is happening, and why it is happening, specifically now.

While it may have seemed far-fetched when I wrote about it in June, if you caught last week’s final preseason game between the Las Vegas Raiders and the San Francisco 49ers, you were treated to more of the Wentz/Hurts, Brees/Hill style of platooning QB’s, that I mentioned in the ‘Killing’ article.

While working on this article, I saw Saturday, that NFL reporter Bucky Brooks put out an article recommending that the 49ers utilize the two QB approach. Figuring that he’d covered it, I almost put this article in my ‘Unpublished Articles’ folder. However, after reading Brooks, I saw that he left it at just the 9ers, and hadn’t really broached the broader subject.

Brook’s article (and even the original draft of this one), mentions the 49ers head coach saying “I don’t need to announce the quarterback, I don’t think I need to announce the starting punt returner, either, but I bet you guys could figure it out,“.

Clearly, the coach was having fun at the media’s expense, but since when was a head coach ever coy about such a thing, two weeks before the season opener? Especially after subbing his QB’s in and out, like a wresting tag team. This is different, folks! Don’t get caught missing the action, while staring directly at it. Don’t let NFL GM’s brag about how they snake charmed us.

Getting back to the Eagles, many people (fans and pundits alike), are speculating that the Minshew trade is about having an insurance policy for QB Jalen Hurts, or having someone to push him. Neither is true. Minshew will play this year. Not just that, but even if Hurts is still healthy by Week 8 or so, you’ll still see Minshew take a few snaps. At least.

Expect to hear (or read) some kooky nonsense about how the coaching staff has “different packages” they want to run for Minshew. As if he has a physical trait or ability that Hurts doesn’t, which the staff desperately needs to get out on the field. It will be utter nonsense. Just enough babble to excite the kind of fan who reads Dave Spadaro, unironically.

In the “Killing” article, I went into why NFL franchises need the two QB system to control their costs. In this article, I’ll add that franchises also need the two QB system, as a means of increasing revenue. The central idea here, is that more games, equals more money. But first, “relics” like Aaaron Rodgers have to be phased out.

The NFL can’t ask television networks for substantially more money, without offering a substantial increase in their product, or finding some other value added aspect. That’s just Sales 101. This is easily solvable by adding more games, which the NFL is eager to do.

We all know that NFL has long had it’s eye on international expansion. (More games.) They’ve also been in talks with the Player’s Association over the years, to find ways to lengthen the regular season. (More games.) Right now were seeing the league attempt to lengthen the regular season, by undercutting the preseason. (And so far the results are ugly.)

Teams can’t play a 20 – 21 game regular season with just one starting QB. The Human body can only take so much punishment. The two QB move, is a move that the NFL has to make, if they want to grow the league. So the NFL has to transition you to being okay with a two QB system. Whether your team runs it or not, is immaterial. The NFL just has to normalize the idea.

Again, this is Monday, September 6th 2021, and this article probably sounded crazy to you. That’s okay. I just wanted to get it on record, that this was another time when I was out, waaay ahead of the curve. While a couple of my “I told you so” articles have been open to interpretation, the one that I will write about this one, won’t be.

FOUR THINGS REVIEWED: WK P3: NEW YORK JETS

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/08/29
Posted in: breakdown, Coaching, Conversations, Crazy Talk, Defense, Four Things, Offense, Players, Rants, Reviews, Roster, Special Teams, stats, trade. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

WHAT could be better than a tie!?

 

EAGLES 31 – Jets 31

EAGLES STATS:

New categories include an EXCLUSIVE weekly Offensive Line Report (Rushing TD’s + 3rd and 4th downs converted of 2 yards or less – Sacks allowed); as well as Drive Killer (Int – FR – 4th down Tackles – FF – TD).

Passing: (S) QB Joe Flacco – (13/16 – 81.2 – 188 – 2 – 0)

Rushing: (B) RB Elijah Holyfield – (16 – 60 – 3.7 – 0 – 0)

Receiving: (B) WR J.J. Arcega-Whiteside – (2 – 2 – 57 – 28.5 – 1)

Offensive Line Report: (1 + 2 – 2)

Drive Killer: (B) CB Michael Jacquet – (0 – 1 – 0 – 1 – 1)

Sack Leader: (S) DT T.Y. McGill – (3– 2.0 – 0 – 0)

 

I hear you asking, “What about all the stuff that stats don’t reveal?” Well, that’s the reason for these Four Things articles. It’s to point out what we need to address BEFORE the game. Then AFTER the game, there’s a no-bullshit assessment of whether or not the Eagles did any of what they needed to do, to ensure the win.

So how much of what I mentioned in Four Things: Jets did the Eagles actually get around to doing? Well let’s see:

1) Coach for the Win: Instead of trying to guide his starters to a form of victory to get the taste of a win in their mouths, head coach Nick Sirianni decided to continue to evaluate his bench. Maybe that will pay off, if we get hammered with another injury bug. (Not Done)

2) Play the Starters for a Half: Nope! The starters didn’t even wear jerseys without pads. They were on the sidelines in black t-shirts, like Batman henchmen. (Not Done)

3) Death Row Just Watches: Plenty of guys who are going to be cut, stole reps from guys that we may need to contribute if injuries become an issue. This may be viewed as me over-reacting after a third preseason game, but you can’t fake the adrenalin of a real game. Families, friends, and old coaches don’t tune into joint practices. Sirianni had a chance to give that to high level back-ups, and he blew it. (Not Done)

4) Shuffle the Ends: We got the same thing served to us as the last two games. We saw a lot of DE’s Matt Leo and Tarron Jackson. We saw little outside pass rush, and nearly zero run contain. Asking to see OLB’s Genard Avery and Patrick Johnson get reps at DE remained an ungranted wish. (Not Done)

Again, that’s 0 for 4. Two straight weeks of goose egg, and 2 of 12 this preseason. The result being zero wins. Two weeks from now, I wonder if the Starters will get to play Week One; or if Sirianni will elect to save them for the playoffs. Rock, paper, motherfu-

 

On The Whole:

Some will see our 31 – 31 tie, and mention this silver lining. We put our bench out against many of the Jets starters, and we didn’t lose. The problem with that is, we got up 24 – 10 and then fell apart 7 – 21, to finish the second half. Not rolling out our best stuff is one thing. Being out-hustled on Special Teams, run over on Defense, and uninspired on Offense, is quite another.

Practice? Sirianni talkin’ ’bout Dual PRACTICE.

At this stage I have no idea where any spirit of competition is supposed to come from. The Starters know that they’re sacred cows, because the back-ups hardly showed anything, across three straight weeks. In fact, the only player looking over his shoulder at this point, might be QB Jalen Hurts. Is he the starter yet? I’m kidding! I’m KIDDING! It’s not like the Eagles are going to go out and trade for QB Gardner Minshew. (sigh)

FORBIDDEN MEMES

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/08/12
Posted in: Conversations, Crazy Talk, Fans, Rants, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

CENSORSHIP is running amok on Facebook. This is mostly an overcompensation for all the illegal stuff that FB was rumored to be letting Russian hackers (cough cough, government agents) get away with, prior to the 2016 Presidential election.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg had his ass hauled in front of Congress, and now the social media platform is taking down anything that can be misconstrued as bullying, or spreading false information. They’re even going so far as to take down memes and posts from 2017 and earlier. As a result, lots of the funniest shit that you and I ever posted, is coming down.

Since I hate that, I decided to create a running page of rude, sexualized, sometimes blatantly offensive memes, just because I think there should be a place where we ADULTS, can still be treated as such.

And so. Without further ado…

THE OFFENSIVE SHIT!

FB actually flagged me for this one, back when I made it.

THE ZACH ERTZ TRADE

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/06/08
Posted in: breakdown, Conversations, Front Office (F.O.), Offense, Players, Rants, Roster, Super Bowl, trade. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

TRADING TE Zach Ertz is stupid. Let me get that on the record right now. I don’t want anybody saying later this season, that I was ever unclear in my language about the move. Trading him, cutting him, doesn’t matter. Ertz being removed from this roster, this year is unwise. Some will argue that 12M$ is too much to spend on an aging player, with diminishing skills.

Okay. Let’s look at that.

His 12M$ cap hit is a large one. That said, the Front Office has already found a way to fit it under our 2021 salary cap. In fact, according to Over The Cap the Eagles are currently 6.4M$ under the cap. So affording Ertz has already been done. That means we can stop trying to make this about money. How about age?

Ertz turns 31 in November. While that is an advanced age for this position, it’s not ancient or even the most advanced age. Current TE’s Travis Kelce, Rob Gronkowski, Jimmy Graham, and Kyle Rudolph are all older than Ertz, (and most Eagles fans would be happy to add any of those).

People bring up age, because they want to either infer, or say outright, that older players will be less durable, miss more games, and thus be less reliable. Last season at age 30, Ertz missed 5 games, due to injury. It was the first time he ever played in fewer than 14 games in a season.

Before suggesting that the misses are tied to Ertz’s age, consider the following: Back-up TE Dallas Goedert, whom the Front Office (and fans) expect to replace Ertz, also missed 5 games with injury. Goedert is 26 years old. Injuries, not age, determines injuries. So quit letting yourself be told, that one means the other.

Well what about Ertz’s diminishing skills? What diminishing skills? Based off of what, the 2020 season?? You go and point out even one, just one, Eagles starter who didn’t take a step backwards in 2020.

Don’t say RB Miles Sanders. He ran for more yards, but his receiving production took a nose dive, and his yards from scrimmage were dramatically down in 2020. Yes, WR Travis Fulgham emerged, but A) He wasn’t a 2019 Eagles starter, and B) He faded badly, down 2020’s stretch. A pandemic of bad offense infected the whole roster. Including Goedert. Including Ertz.

Finally, what on Earth would we be replacing him with? Aside from Ertz and Goedert, the Eagles have five TE’s on the roster. Only one has ever caught a ball in an actual NFL game. One is converting from WR. Another one is converting from QB.

TE Caleb Wilson shows a little promise, and Jason Croom would be a decent #3, but the step down at TE would be huge, if Ertz goes in 2021.

Then again, Head Coach Nick Sirianni isn’t Doug Pederson. He may not like using 12 Personnel (1RB, 2TE), as much as the guy who won a Super Bowl with it, while playing 32 year old TE Brent Celek for a third of the offensive snaps. (Hey! Isn’t 32 older than 31?)

If Sirianni is looking to feature a Slot WR more, then he won’t be using two TE’s very much, and won’t need to have two good ones. That doesn’t help us with talented depth for red zone situations, or insurance vs injury, but you can’t have it all right?

Except right now, we still have Ertz, and his presence is a luxury. Moving him now would be stupid. Just stupid.

BREAKOUT EAGLES IN 2021

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/06/05
Posted in: Conversations, Defense, Front Office (F.O.), NFL, Offense, Players, Rants, Roster, stats, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment
Rookie WR DeVonta Smith

WHICH Eagles players are poised to have a breakout season? Before we can say that a player had one, first we need to define exactly what a breakout season looks like. Better still, we fans need to declare what our standard is, well ahead of time. Let’s start by setting the bar, high.

First, let’s rule out rookies. While rookie WR Devonta Smith could have a huge year, it would be unfair before Training Camp, to expect the Moon and stars from him. Especially with this team’s history of developing WR’s.

So now let’s start with QB Jalen Hurts. In 2020, during his four starts (just those four), he put up 148 attempts, 77 completions (52%), for 1061 yards, 6 touchdowns, and 4 interceptions. He also posted 46 rushes, 272 yards, 5.9 yards per carry, and 3 scores. These numbers led to his 1 – 3 record, and for good reason.

In Hurts four starts, his completion percentage fell each week (56.6, 54.5, 53.8, and 35.0%, respectively.) Teams quickly caught onto him bootlegging right, as if he were in an Option offense, and they made it harder and harder for him to use that, to set up passes. In 2021 he’s going to have to demonstrate an ability to take advantage of containment based strategies against him.

A breakout season from Hurts would look something like 493 attempts, 316 completions (64%), for 4,300 yards, 29 touchdowns and fewer than 15 interceptions. Adding 102 rushes for 595 yards (5.8) and say… 5 scores, would put him in the conversation for greatest season ever by an Eagles QB.

Again. Set that bar, high.

Now onto last year’s first round flop, WR Jalen Reagor. No, I won’t compare him to Vikings WR “Justin Jefferson”. This isn’t about comparing players. This is about individual accomplishment. This is about Reagor, how he spent the downs he played, and no one else. The focus, is on Reagor.

In 2020, our first round pick played in 9 games. He was targeted 54 times, made 31 catches for a catch rate of 57.4%, 396 yards (at 12.7 per), and caught one touchdown. (For those who want to know: His catch rate was 57.5% for QB Carson Wentz, and 57.1 % for Hurts. Wentz threw him his lone TD catch, in our win over Dallas.)

In the 9 games Reagor played, he averaged 3 catches for 44 yards per game. That hardly cuts it for a first rounder. With him playing in the Slot now, 15 yards per quarter shouldn’t be too much to ask. He’d average 60 yards per game, for 960 yards on the year. So let’s call it 960, and a score in at least half the games for breakout consideration. So 960 and 8. That’s the bar. Anything below that, isn’t even a conversation. That’s the kind of energy we need to keep.

I don’t think RB Miles Sanders counts here. He’s twice rushed for 800+ yards, so even 1,000 – 1,200 rushing yards will just seem like a great year, not a breakout. If TE Dallas Goedert sees 900 yards, or 12 scores, sure that would be breakout. But I don’t see him doing that.

On Defense, we’re hardly starting anyone who isn’t already an established veteran. Nobody can say that DE Brandon Graham, DT Fletcher Cox or CB Darius Slay are just now making their mark on the league, and LB Alex Singleton had his, last year.

Barring a situation where a starter’s hurt and a back-up comes from nowhere, no one on D is having a breakout year.

Summing up! On Offense, Hurts and Reagor are poised to have breakout seasons. On Defense, without a major injury, no one is on deck to do so. Sorry, but that’s the bottom line.

NO ROOM FOR TALK

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/05/30
Posted in: Conversations, Defense, Offense, Players, Rants, Roster, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 1 Comment

GOING 4 – 11 – 1 means STFU. Whether it’s players hyping the leadership of a 1 – 3 QB, or a second year WR, calling out my fellow fans. All the talk needs to stop. Last year the Eagles fell halfway short of even going .500. That means there’s a ton of stuff to fix, and nobody who was on the roster when we posted that record, has time to run their mouth.

I’m a devoted fan, but I’m not delusional. We still haven’t addressed our weakness at CB. We still don’t know if our top FS will be ready by Week One. What will our TE depth look like when TE Zach Ertz is moved? Who is our starting LT? If you project 1 – 3 over 17 weeks, it comes out to roughly 5 – 12. Is QB Jalen Hurts better than that finish? What system will he even be running?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad for the enthusiasm that players have had for mini-camp. Unfortunately, I don’t sense a “hardhat mentality” when these guys speak to the media. I’m seeing big smiles, lots of teeth, and eyes crinkled at the corners. I’m seeing comfortable guys, mostly confident in their roles. Calm as Hindu cows.

And it makes me sick.

With all the upheaval this offseason, no one should feel like a sacred cow. But there it is. Right on the player’s faces. The fact that you see that, says that the players aren’t really buying into the ideas that “Everyone has to compete” and that “Nothing is will be handed to you”. And why should they?

Show of hands if you think that RT Lane Johnson has to earn his spot. How about RG Brandon Brooks? C Jason Kelce? LG Issac Seumalo? Seems to me that 80% of the Offensive Line from 2017 will still be starting in 2021. And that’s with a new coaching staff in place!

Let me add RB Miles Sanders and TE Dallas Goedert, to Hurts and the O-Line. Rookie WR Devonta Smith will start on the outside, and WR Jalen Reagor will start in the Slot. That’s 9 of 11, right there. The spots up for competition: LT and WR#2.

How about DE Brandon Graham, DT Fletcher Cox, DT Javon Hargrave, and DE Derek Barnett? How many of those guys ride pine without an injury? What about CB Darius Slay, OLB Eric Wilson, LB Alex Singleton, or S Anthony Harris?

That’s 8 of 11 guys that we know are Week One starters already. If S Rodney McLeod’s leg lets him, that’s 9 of 11. This drops the real competition for availability of spots to just MLB and CB. Feel free to point out where I’m wrong. Go ahead. I’ll wait…

Anybody? Nobody?

So yeah. That’s it. We have LT, WR #2, MLB, and CB. That’s all the real competition on this team for starting spots. There will be fierce competition for back-up roles. But the starters?! When 18 of 22 spots are a virtual lock, the sacred cows on this roster have no reason to do anything but smile and talk right now. No reason except 4 – 11 – 1.

COMPETITION: HURTS, FLACCO

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/05/25
Posted in: Coaching, Conspiracy Corner, Offense, Players, Preview, Rants, Roster, Uncategorized, X's and O's. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . 3 Comments

THE Eagles coaching staff (with straight faces), keeps telling us fans that there will be a REAL competition between QB Jalen Hurts and QB Joe Flaaco, for the starting job. We’re being told that nobody is being handed anything. I have yet to meet the Eagles fan dumb enough to buy what this coaching staff is selling.

Can we be honest here? Flacco was brought in, so that when Hurts “wins” the job, dipshits can say things like “Hurts beat a former Super Bowl MVP to win the job. So of course Hurts has to be legit, right?” Prepare to hear that repeatedly, from the sort of fan who unironically, still wears a Kevin Kolb jersey.

Understand, while head coach Nick Sirianni has designed plays before, it was never his responsibility to define the philosophy of a system. As a HC, he now gets to decide that. He’s no longer designing plays within the framework of what his boss wants. Now he gets to decide what that framework looks like.

This is a QB Screen I designed years ago. Flacco could never make this play scary.

So who’s skillset do you think the Eagles offensive system will be built around? Flacco’s overall fading skills, and limited athleticism? Or will it be Hurts’ upside and dynamic mobility? When passing plays are drawn up, will they include a heavy percentage of RPO’s, Options, and Bootlegs? Or will they almost entirely consist of 3 and 5 step drops?

In four starts last year, Hurts ran for 272 yards. (BTW: That projects to 1,156 rushing yards, over 17 games.) Flacco? He ran for 292 yards. He didn’t do that in 2020. He did that over the last 7 seasons. Combined. Keeping in mind that Flacco can’t be dangerous running RPO’s, Options or boots, do you really think the new coach will handcuff himself to an anchor? Neither do I.

When Training Camp opens, both the system and the playbook, will be built to suit Hurts, not Flacco. So in what universe is this a real competition? Being that Flacco can’t excel in this system, Hurts will win the starting job in a walk.

Flacco: So you’re saying there’s a CHANCE?

Besides, if Hurts finds himself involved in real a competition with what’s left of Flacco, then basically the Eagles 2021 season would already be a yellow mustard and jizz sandwich. Seriously. It’s embarrassing that the Eagles are even trying to sell this “competition”.

THE EAGLES 2021 SCHEDULE

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/05/13
Posted in: Conversations, Crazy Talk, NFL, Preview, Rants, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!??? What the fuck is a Week 14 Bye?! We play FIVE, count ‘em FIVE, games in October, three of which are road games.

Here’s our October:

We start with a home game vs the Chiefs, probably getting kicked in the nuts before we head down to Carolina, in what should be a coin flip. Then on a short week, we get Tampa Bay. We follow that with a plane to Vegas, then back home to practice, then a plane to Detroit. All in a span of 28 days.

Unless we can make some hay in November, we might be already circling the drain by the time our Bye Week gets here.

What the fuck is a Week 14 Bye?! Will someone tell me that!?! Who the fuck does that to someone? “Easiest schedule” my wide, hairy ass! I hope the NFL schedule makers get uncontrollable diarrhea in a traffic jam.

The worst part is, that not knowing this coaching staff, it’s impossible to look at the schedule and forecast any W’s. At least with real confidence. It was already an uncertain year, but this schedule feels like someone handed a drowning man an anchor.

EAGLES 2021 DRAFT

Posted by The BEAST on 2021/04/26
Posted in: Conversations, Crazy Talk, Draft, Front Office (F.O.), NFL, Rants, Roster, trade. Leave a comment

CAN you remember when you were less excited for a Draft? Unless you served in Vietnam, the answer is probably ‘No’. If I wasn’t as obsessive about this event as I am about Christmas, I might not even know that it was happening this week. Things are low-key in Philly for a reason. What exactly are you looking forward to? Most fans expect disaster.

Most Eagles fans expect General Manager Howie Roseman to blow the whole thing to shit in the first place. Mostly because there’s no voice of reason to say “Hey Stupid, don’t be stupid”, because the guy we have coaching the team, is off somewhere playing paper/rock/scissors, or Uno, or trying to guess the number of jelly beans in jar, with Draft prospects. Meanwhile the owner is thinking that France is looking pretty good right now.

All this, so we can draft another QB at 12th overall, and immediately name him as the starter. Eagles fans smirked at that, but it wasn’t a fun smirk. It was that smirk you do when you’re on the expressway, during a traffic jam, and your stomach makes a (gurgle) noise that tells you that “Until further notice, NO fart is to be trusted!”

If you could buy stock in anxiety, Eagles fans would make you fortune this week.

We pick 12th overall, after moving down 6 spots to pick up an extra first rounder next year. Some fans gave Howie crap for that. I thought the move was rather shrewd. The sort of move you want from a GM. Especially if who we want, is expected to be there at 12 or a little later. This should be idiot-proof.

Then came news that the Eagles now wanted to move back, up. (Wait what?) This is a move that will likely cost us a first rounder. Yes! From next year. So then why did… Has anyone ever done something so stupid, that it made you tick off the progression of events on your fingers? Almost as if you were counting? Howie does this to me. He perplexes me. He vexes me.

Again, this should ALL be idiot-proof!

The Eagles however, employ an advanced species of idiot. One that is capable of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Of complicating the process of falling down. Howie Roseman is no ordinary, run-of-the-mill idiot. He is their Alpha. Their Omega! He is why we’re going to draft a Long Snapper in the first round.

Nah. I’m over-reacting. First round picks are simple, right? Two words:

Danny Watkins.

(Gurgle.)

We pick 12th. If we don’t want a QB, and can’t get TE Kyle Pitts, we should still be in pretty good shape to get a year one, impact player. Maybe a CB who locks down half of our Secondary. Or a WR that changes the dynamic of the entire Offense. All we have to do is NOT, suddenly decide to trade out of the first round. Right??

(Gurgle.)

“PAPER COVERS ROCK, BITCHES!!!”

(Gurgle.)