LOCKED and Loaded. That’s the name of this season. We spent the offseason prepping for an arms race, while the team that won our division seemed to dismantle themselves. They however, aren’t on the menu this week. Detroit is.
Speaking of dismantle, the last time we saw Detroit we hung 44 points on them. In their house! Meanwhile, all they could do was curl into the fetal position, as their coach yelled about biting knee caps. True, they’ve made a few improvements, but c’mon, NOBODY made as many improvements as we did.
There’s a good chance that we can come out of this week, as the only team in the division with a win. While one game isn’t a large lead, it can definitely serve to help set an attitude. You wanna do something big? You start by doing something small.
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The point of Four Thingsisn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics would give our Eagles the best chance to win this game. So here are the Four Things that we need to focus on this week, versus the: Detroit Lions.
1) Run the Ball:Play to our strength, and let QBJalen Hurts ease into having more of the game put in his hands. His perfect preseason was cute, but he’s about to face a gameplan. As for Detroit, their new 4-3 will feature five guys who our Offensive Line absolutely mauled, manhandled and fucked over, last October. Ultimately Debo-ing them for 4 rushing touchdowns and 236 rushing yards. Seeing five of the same victims, making up a front seven that we romped and frolicked through, all I see is a second helping. Run the ball!
2) Make Goff Run: In six seasons QB Jared Goff has 401 rushing yards. For comparison, through six years, QB Peyton Manning ran for 582. I bring this up to illustrate just how adverse Goff is to running. Anything that changes or challenges his throwing platform, is alien to him. So we need to disabuse him of any sense of comfort and safety. Last year we caught him in the pocket quite a bit, so if he still wants to just stand there… Okay.
Also their starting G Halapoulivaati Vaitai is out. His back-up is having back issues, and their C has a groin issue. Against this line, we sacked Goff five times last year. So their interior is weak, and we have DT’s Fletcher Cox, and Jordan Davis. Get Goff out of the pocket.
3) Challenge Their Receivers:We’ve been hearing about WR D.J. Chark for years now, based solely off of his 2019 season. In the last two seasons, he has just 60 catches for 860 yards, and a 52% catch rate. On the other side is WR Amon-Ra St. Brown. (Love the name. I had a cat named Amon-Ra. Golden tabby with gold eyes.) He’s a bum. Not the cat, the WR. He’s one of those “12 targets, 8 catches, for 73 yards” type of receivers.
Unleash CB’s Darius “Big Play” Slay and James Bradberry! Mug these chumps and get us a pick six. Okay, maybe that’s asking too much, or being too specific. More generally, don’t let either receiver see 100 yards. That sounds about reasonable.
4) Get ‘im!: Wherever CB Jeff Okudah is, that should be the receiver who gets the ball. At least 10 passes have to go to who he’s covering. During his two year career, he’s played a total of 9 games, and ended both years with season-ending injuries. Last year it was his Achilles, and now he gets to try it out vs WR Devonta Smith’s route running, or WR A.J. Brown’s explosiveness. Pick on him. Hound him! Harass him! Make him Vontae Davis 2.0!
Remember when Vontae Davis retired during halftime? Just said “NOPE!” and grabbed his car keys.
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If the Eagles do these Four Things, then we’ll be virtually impossible to beat. That being said…
I want to give the Lions some benefit of the doubt, but the more I look at this game, the more it looks like Mike Tyson vs Queen Eliz- (Nope! Gotta change that now. Wrote that joke nearly two weeks ago and now… You really committed to ruining my joke, Liz! Just leaned all the way in.) Ugh! It looks like Tyson vs Skip Bayless. Yeah. We like that imagery, right? Let’s go with that.
I can’t believe the NFL is going to sanction this match-up. Everything about it is all wrong for the Lions. It’s as if Roger Goodell wrote “SQUEAKY TOY” on a baby, and handed it to a pit-bull.
It’s madness! Their offensive line can’t protect their over-drafted QB. Their defensive front is an affront to the idea of defense. Their WR’s would be average vs an average secondary, and our’s is a shark tank. They have one dangerous CB, and the other is practically wearing a bull’s-eye! But the NFL is going to let this happen anyway? It’s madness!
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Prediction: EAGLES 30 – Lions 10
WARNING: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use Four Things as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money, and will deserve it when you do.
Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how this game went.
LAST week’s narrow loss to the Jets, saw our starters basically put us up 14 – 0; before calling it a night, in the second quarter. Don’t expect to see starters at all in this one. Instead, get ready to find out which Eagles back-ups are ready to break through, and put the world on notice.
While the wins and losses mean nothing to us fans, they mean a great deal to the lower draft picks, the undrafted, and aging back-ups. Understand this, almost no one who plays in this game, is guaranteed a roster spot. You will see players this Sunday, who will be gone next Sunday.
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The point of Four Things isn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics would give our Eagles the best chance to win this game. So here are the Four Things that we need to focus on this week versus: the Browns
1) Don’t Get Gashed: Given the players that we have at DT, we have no business giving up a ton of rushing yards up the middle. It’s preseason ball, so there’s bound to be some miscues. So a long run broken to the outside, isn’t a big deal, right now. It’s all the routine runs.
LB Nakobe Dean and DT Jordan Davis.
Setting aside any 30 yard runs (Pitches, Tosses, Sweeps) directly to the outside, keeping the Browns under 80 rushing yards and 4.0 yards per carry, is a decent goal for back-ups.
2) Cut the Engine: Wrap the thighs, to kill forward progress at the point of the tackle. That’s the tackle technique I’m looking to see. Hard to get helmet to helmet penalties when a player is aiming for thighs
3) Clean Interior Pocket:Guard, Center, Guard. They have to keep defenders out of the gaps and away from the passer. The QB needs to be able to step into his throws, and those three players especially, make that happen. Also, when a defender jumps to bat down a ball, that interior pocket (G-C-G), needs to make his landing a rough one.
4) Solid Team Culture: Every player you see out there, is likely playing for his football life. Despite the inherent competition for survival, it will be interesting to see which players offer each other encouragement, and cheer for their competitors. We will get a taste of just how strong the team culture, really is.
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If the Eagles do these Four Things, then we’ll be virtually impossible to beat. That being said…
The win or loss only means something to players. Some of whom will suit up for the last time on Sunday. For the rest of us, it’s being billed as lesser than the joint practices, which the teams conducted this week. Let me tell you what it really is.
2010: Rookie, 7th round, S Kurt Coleman enters game four of the preseason as a player “On The Bubble”. This is a do-or-die game. Not for the team, but for Kurt. His dream is on life-support. During the game he recovers not one, but two fumbles, and he returns them both for scores.
The Eagle lose the game, but Kurt makes the team. He goes from 7th rounder with barely a chance in 2010, to being a starter in 2011. He plays 10 seasons. Intercepts 7 balls in 2015 (the NFL leader had 8). And all of it hinged… on a single game like this. If we’re lucky, maybe we’ll see the next Kurt Coleman in this game.
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Prediction: EAGLES 17 – Browns 13
WARNING: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use Four Things as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money, and will deserve it when you do.
Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how this game went.
KEEP in mind, when these predictions come out, no one knows who will be drafted by which team. So this is an assessment of the team, as it is staffed by veteran players with track records.
While rookies may contribute heavily to their team, they don’t usually shake up the NFC East as a division. That being said, there’s a pretty good chance that what you see here, will be how it shakes out for the year.
If you’ve read all of the articles leading up to this, you’ll understand my conclusion. Good job! If you didn’t, you’ll likely be annoyed because YOU did a bad job of preparing. (Read the supporting articles!)
CONTEXT!
Now let’s look at 2022:
Offense, defense, special teams. Three units, multiplied times four teams, equals twelve total units in the division. Easy math, right? Out of twelve units, only three units across the division either stayed strong or got stronger. Nine units however, either stayed weak or got noticeably weaker during the free agency period. Put plainly, so far the NFC East is already weaker than it was in 2021.
Strongest Offense: DALLAS
They have all kinds of issues with their offensive line, but they have a real QB, and they have the most dangerous collection of skill players in the division. Philadelphia has a great offensive line situation, which allows for the smoke and mirrors, which they use to offset a lack of WR talent or a QB who can read a defense.
Weakest Offense: NEW YORK
Their offensive line is shit. It’s just shit! They have the least talented QB in the division. In fact, it can now be argued that he might not be as good as his new back-up (eventual replacement). Their RB clearly has his eye on the exit, and they lost their underachieving TE, and replaced him with- No. They’re about to draft a TE. They have to be. There’s no way they can be serious about going into 2022 with him as the starter.
Strongest Defense: PHILADELPHIA
This was the easiest call. In 2021 the Eagles surrendered fewer passing yards and fewer rushing yards than the Cowboys. The Cowboys allowed 21.1 points per game to the Eagles 22.6. From that, the Eagles added not just a pass rusher, but a sack artist, as well also upgrading speed at LB. The Cowboys lost a starting DE and a starting S, then replaced neither with a player of similar caliber. The other two teams aren’t even part of this conversation.
Weakest Defense: NEW YORK
New defensive coordinator, a soft secondary, and a bunch of edge players, but no real DE’s or OLB’s. This is the current state of the defensive side of the ball in New York. It’s a toolbox full of hammers and mallets, but no screwdrivers, pliers, wrenches or even a tape measure. And at some point in the next two weeks, a kid out of college will be expected to provide a spark of hope. Yikes.
Strongest Special Teams: PHILADELPHIA
Washington has the much better punting situation, but Philadelphia has a far superior kicking game. However, since punts never produce last minute wins, the edge goes to points.
Weakest Special Teams: DALLAS
New York’s punting situation isn’t “bad”, it’s more of a big question mark. The kicking situation in Dallas however, is pure comedy. This team does such an amazing job of fucking this up every year! They deserve a round of applause for the work they do. I mean c’mon, it has to be deliberate. No one is this bad, this long, without a supreme level of effort being put into it.
PROJECTED WINNER: DALLAS
You’re thinking “Philadelphia won two of these categories to Dallas’s one. So how can Dallas still be the favorite?!”
For the record I totally agree, except there’s two things nagging my mind:
The first thing is, 17 – 37, and 21 – 41. Those are the scores that Dallas has won by, in the two games Jalen Hurts started against them. Those aren’t just loses, they’re blowouts. While Dallas continues to dominate Hurts, picking the Eagles as the favorite is out of the question.
The second thing is, a two game sweep has an effective difference of four games. The make-up distance in a playoff race, between let’s say 4 – 6 vs 6 – 4, is four games. If the Cowboys sweep the Eagles again, that gap would be very hard to make up. Given that the last Eagles QB to beat Dallas was Carson Wentz, there is nothing in recent history to indicate that the Eagles will turn this around this season.
DARK HORSE WINNER: PHILADELPHIA
Overall, Philadelphia looks like the strongest team in the East. The issue is at their QB position. Which is huge. If Jalen Hurts were to take a a couple of steps forward in being able to read defenses, and utilizing his second WR, this Eagles team would sweep the division, and win it in a walk. However, until we see that for Philadelphia, QB is a huge question mark at best, and a liability at worst.
BACK in April, in my NFC East Pre-Draft Preview, I picked the Redskins to win the East, with the Eagles as my dark horse favorite. Given our strong nucleus of veteran leadership, our win in the trenches philosophy, and youth at skill positions, we have a lot of “win now” already built-in. However, a rookie coaching staff, and a second year QB, who himself was basically a rookie, left serious questions about our upward mobility.
Still, I took proper assessment of the pieces, and predicted the Eagles to push for the NFC East crown, and they did exactly that.
We’ve so far won 9 games. None of those were against teams with a winning record. Then again, it’s been half a season since we even FACED a team with a winning record. Hell, we didn’t make the schedule. We just beat who was put on it.
Also, in all fairness, three of the first six teams that our rookie head coach faced, have played in the last two Super Bowls (KC vs SF and KC vs TB). Of those three games, two were decided by just 6 points each. So maybe a little fucking slack would be appropriate here? I dunno. Seeing things in their proper context is sort of a fetish of mine.
My favorite was the NFL website itself. You know the one. The place that sometimes allows their journalists to post a headline, which is linked to a tweet. Yeah. That place. Before the season, this was their prediction for us:
I’m petty, so I screenshot that shit. I couldn’t guarantee us winning the East, but I knew that 5 win prediction was going to age like an Olsen twin, and I wanted to be able to say:
Which I’m doing now.
We destroyed their prediction, and even exceeded their ceiling for us. Right now, you could park a car in the shadow of my smugness.
TOLD you so! In my QB of the Future article, I said, regardless of whether QB Jalen Hurtsis healthy, the Eagles will find a reason to get QB Gardner Minshewon the field, around Week 8. Well the Lions game was Week 8, wasn’t it? Did Minshew play? Yes indeedy he did! I saw this one coming from a mile out.
Didn’t you?
I figured the Eagles would jinn up some reason, but the blowout was good enough. In fact, it was the best-case scenario. Notice how the words “QB controversy” aren’t on anybody’s lips, right now? Minshew threw 2 passes, completing both for just 11 yards. Otherwise, he played hand-off machine, and didn’t even attempt anything interesting.
Yet.
This isn’t me trying to create a story. Let me say this outright. Right now there isn’t a story. No one is trying to spook, or unsettle you. No one is trying trick you into click-bait, ladies.
What I’m doing, is what I told you I’d do. Over the last couple of years, I think people (me included), have forgotten just how kick-ass I am at this. So I’ve decided to make a point of reminding you of who I am, and why you should come here. So, I’m not leaving a prediction open to interpretation. When I nail it, I’m going to point it out directly.
I had plenty more to say in the ‘QB of the Future’ article, and the one that came before it Killing Off All Starting QB’s. Some of it will take seasons to unfold. Which is fine by me. Time after time, I’ve mentioned on here that I’m a patient man. I cannot be tired by waiting, because I don’t just attach myself to an idea. I invest in it. I evolve with it, if need be.
Rest assured, I don’t just seem different. I am different.
As for Gardner Minshew? Keep your eyes open. We’ll talk.
Well… I’ll talk. And if you have an opinion, you can talk back.
LAST week we dismantled the Falcons, 32 – 6. Our balanced Offensive attack allowed yards to flow naturally, from a well-spring of young talent. This week, a 49ers team who’s defense allowed the Lions to score 33 points, has to try to win at the Linc. Gonna be a long plane ride home.
A win here keeps the Eagles firmly in command of the NFC East. It also forces people to stop questioning last weeks win, and see the Eagles as a legitimate contender in the NFC. A loss, opens the door for a division rival to even up with us. Washington faces New York tonight, so somebody (Washington) has to come out of this with a win. If they tie, I’ll laugh myself sick.
The point of Four Things isn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics will practically guarantee our Eagles this win. CAUTION: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use FT as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money, and will deserve it when you do.
So let’s talk about the Four Things we need to focus on this week versus the San Francisco 49ers:
1) Take Away the Edges: The 49ers like to run the ball by moving the entire offensive line to a side at once. When a line blocks like that, it forces a defense to flow with it. So there is no opposing momentum from defenders, because even when they make tackle, it’s going with the direction of the runner. It looks like power, but it isn’t.
It’s a Chinese finger trap. Not knowing why it works, is exactly what keeps it working. As a former offensive lineman, I’ll let you in on a secret: It has a simple solve. Our DE’s have to set a hard edge. Like a rock in a stream. With as much as the 49ers like to get their linemen running, that rock will “bunch” the linemen together, using them to trap their own RB.
See when the Lions DE’s give away the edges?
See the result? Like I said, simple solve. Also, as we take away the edges, that “bunching” will help limit inside running. Our DE’s have to think run first, except in obvious passing situations.
2) Next Level Tackling: Our LB’s have to not stick to blocks and make tackles. None of that wrestling for the ball, crap. At least not early in the game. That keeps resulting in broken tackles and extra yards. Just get the man down. Our Defensive Line will have its hands full keeping he LB’s clean. Don’t squander their work.
3) Get the Ball Downfield: QB Jalen Hurts didn’t really need to throw deep, last week. Our Offense is designed to get the ball out of Hurts hand quickly, so you can bet that the 49ers will be trying to limit our quick options. This week, if Hurts sees a one-on-one on the outside, the NFL needs to know that he will, and more importantly that he can, take advantage of a defense.
The Eagles need to use this game, to let NFL teams know they can’t stack the box against us. If we can’t prove that we can hurt a team from distance, all the nice little things we did last week, will slowly begin to evaporate. We can’t show the league that we’re one-dimensional. We can’t give future opponents something they can be confident about.
4) Screen Sanders:The 49ers allowed the Lions, THE LIONS, to complete 16 of 20 passes (80%) to their RB’s, for 111 yards and a score. I know that our coaching staff is in love with rookie RB Kenneth Gainswell, but RB Miles Sandersruns harder and breaks tackles better than Gainswell. So he’s more likely to exploit a quick, but undersized 49er LB corps.
*****
If we do these Four Things,
Last week the 9ers had to stand on the gas pedal just to beat the Lions 41 – 33. (Nice score.) They had trouble dealing with the Lions RB’s and TE’s in the passing game, as 25 of 31 (80.6%) targets were caught. Any defense that can’t cover RB’s and TE’s, will get KILLED by the Eagles. Getting the ball to Sanders will open up the deep game.
Early on, QB Jimmy Garoppolo may look pretty good, because with our DE’s concerned with taking away the run, they likely won’t get as much heat on him. That’s fine. Once the Eagles establish a lead, the DE’s can pin their ears back. In the meantime, that emphasis on tackling will be huge.
PREDICTION: EAGLES 27 – 49ers 20
Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how it went.
WE’RE about to get our first look at Head Coach Nick Sirianni’s vision for the Eagles. The 2021 edition will be sporting a new look Offense aaand Defense. That means any expectations have to be set entirely to the side, until we have some idea of what the team does and doesn’t do, well.
Being a preseason game, we all know that the wins and losses don’t blah blah blah. But that’s just officially speaking. Even getting a preseason win under his belt, would give Sirianni something to hang his hat on, during meetings and film study.
While in a loss, he could point the finger at certain players; in a win, he can heap reward on certain players. For players trying to win roster spots or starting jobs in August, the carrot is a far better motivator than the stick. There is no carrot without winning this game.
The point of Four Things isn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics will practically guarantee our Eagles this win. CAUTION: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use FT as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money, and will deserve it when you do.
So let’s talk about the Four Things we need to focus on this week versus Pittsburgh:
1) Simple Communication: It will be interesting to see how often an Eagles QB throws to an area where there is no receiver. Or how often a hand-off is poorly executed. It will be interesting to see who calls the signals on Defense, and how responsive surrounding players are to those calls.
The Eagles have to keep things simple, and make sure they are on the same page. This is the first preseason game. While a win would feel nice and be worth some coaching capital, there is nothing smart about pulling out all the stops for a preseason win. Keep it simple. Communicate clearly.
2) Bring the violence: Pittsburgh isn’t still a “pound the rock and iron defense” type of team, but they carried that rep for so long, that they still sort of benefit from it. We can use that. Bringing the pain on tackles, will put the NFL on notice.
Listen, it’s a lot easier to cover a WR on a Crossing route, if he’s spending half of it looking for a FS. Lapses in his concentration means drops, rounded routes, “Alligator Arms”, and other things. So send the message during this preseason: In 2021, the fastest way through Philadephia’sDefense, is in an ambulance.
3) Have A Ball: Across the NFL over the last 5 seasons (2016 – 2020), there have been 86 defensive safeties. That’s just 17.2 per season, among 32 teams. The rest of the scoring is done via touchdowns and field goals, both of which require physical possession of the football. If the opponent doesn’t have it, they generally can’t score. So go get ball. When we do get ball, keep ball. Move ball. Score ball. None of this is complicated. DO THIS.
4) Shelve the Cute Shit: Every team likes to run trick and gadget plays. Offensive coaches live to show us all how smart they are. Well, save it for after our Offense has the basics down. More than that, let’s show teams that we can win in a straightforward manner. Winning the division would be nice, but HOW we win it, forecasts how far we can go in the postseason.
If we do these Four Things, the Eagle should win in a walk.
As we saw against the Cowboys in the Hall of Fame game, Pittsburgh is also trying to figure things out. While QB Ben Roethlisberger didn’t play in that game (so their offense struggled), he also didn’t play in that game (so this is his first taste of a new system). Sauce for the goose.
Still, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin knows his players and how to guide them. Sirianni is entering his first engagement as the leader of an NFL team. If the Eagles talent takes over this game, it could get ugly for Pittsburgh. That said, if it comes down to coaching, expect Tomlin to take our rookie to school. In fact, maybe we should hope that he does.
PREDICTION: EAGLES 13 – Steelers 20
Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how it went.
LOOK at that! The Bengals have converted their field from grass to mattresses. Not only has it already improved the look of their stadium, but their owner thinks it will extend, or at least not keep shortening, the lifespan of QB Joe Burrow. The team is also asking the league to allow Burrow to wear several pillows duct taped to his helmet. It’s either that or spend the money to protect him.
Steelers LB T.J. Watt increased his sack total for the third straight year in a row. Due to notching 16.5 sacks, he continues to be above criticism. This is despite sporting a missed tackle percentage of over 10 percent, in every season of his career. If only there were some sort of clue about how to fix the defense…
The carriage turned back into a pumpkin, and the horses turned back into rats, as the Browns returned to reality and went 3 – 14 this year.
Somewhere out there is a desperate Browns fan, carrying a clear, platform shoe, and searching for Princess Odell.
Ravens K Justin Tucker’s rap/opera album “Come Kick It Wit’ Me” shot to the top of the Italian pop music charts this year. Sighting how he didn’t need this “NFL boll sheed no mo’ ”, Tucker announced his retirement. After which he flipped the double-bird, as he rode away barefoot in a kiddie pool, which was situated in the bed of an El Camino. There was no water in the pool.
NFC NORTH!
Raise your hand if you predicted the Lions going 14 – 3, getting a first round bye, and winning it all.
“It’s better than drinkable water!” was how one fan described the Detroit Lions Super Bowl parade. Thousands of fans came out to celebrate and cheer their team, not long before tens of thousands of muggers descended on both the fans and the players. The car-jacking of a parade float would be the low-point of the day, and perhaps the lowest in all of American history.
After a just barely failing to qualify for a wild card berth, a 9 – 8 Minnesota team is still unsure if they’re a bad team that frequently overachieves, or a good team that chokes at the slightest sign of true relevance.
As Chicago continues their search for a passer, Bears QB Justin Fields was traded to Buffalo for QB Mitch Trubisky. One Chicago football fan said “Eh, it’s good we went an’got a veteran quarterback now, ‘cause Fields played like a rookie. I mean, why din’t he just look at what Tommy Bradley does in Tampa, then come right out and copy exactly what he saw?How hard could dat be, right?? Anyways, Trubisky sounds like a good Polish name. It feels familiar. I like it.”
After another implosion in the second round of the playoffs, QB Aaron Rodgers is continuing to act like he’s doing Packers fans a favor, by allowing them to overpay him millions more than he’s ever truly deserved. Perhaps Green Bay should have double checked for a discount.
AFC WEST!
After not allowing fans in to SoFi Stadium at all in 2020, the LA Chargers opened their arms to their loyal, fickle, frequently disinterested fan base. In a stadium that seats 70,000, the Chargers drew an average of 28,000 to their games. Somewhere the ghost of Al Davis is laughing so hard, that he’s gasping for air.
Despite being heavily favored by odds-makers, the Raiders Super Bowl loss continues to confound people. Suddenly retired Raider QB Derek Carr, could not be reached for comment as he was out on his yacht. The gold one, not the one made entirely out of stacks of money. His agent Pete Rose also declined comment.
The Chiefs were expected to have a more difficult road, but no one thought they’d miss the playoffs. As a disciplinary measure for yet another violation of team player conduct policy, Andy Reid ate WR Tyreek Hill, prior to the final game of the preseason. When asked if he regretted having eaten the WR, coach Reid responded “Listen, you’d expect athlete meat to be tough, but Tyreek, he was something special. Didn’t even need a marinade. Wait. What was the question?”
The Denver Broncos are trying to decide whether to screw over either another old RB, or another young QB, during this offseason. Either way, it will most certainly cripple the team’s offense next year. Their fans of course, will again feel like they’ve been stabbed directly in the face, when the team spends their top pick on a WR.
NFC WEST!
The 49ers, who paid QB Jimmy Garoppolo 26M$ to sit and watch rookie QB Trey Lance have an up and down year, will still owe Garoppolo 27M$ next year. Worse yet, they likely have to endure at least one more year with him on the roster, as he won’t waive his no-trade clause. That is, unless he gets an offer he likes, from a team that won’t mind him throwing with his eyes closed. Still, the defense was good enough for the team to post a 10 – 7 record.
Seattle RB Rashaad Penny was surprised to learn that the team is declining to pick up his 5th year option. Penny was selected in the first round of the 2018 Draft, but didn’t get his first start until 2021. In that game, he had one carry for 8 broken tackles, and a 63 yard touchdown. It also resulted in a torn hamstring which ended his season. Tore it right off the bone! When asked whether Penny is “a bust”, GM John Schneider, shrieked, burst into tears, and attempted to answer questions. He however, couldn’t be understood through his high-pitched, racking sobs. Seattle predictably bowed out in the second round of the playoffs.
No matter how much talent Arizona adds, sub .500 is the best God will allow. In other news, QB Kyler Murray married the dancing hula girl on the dash board of J.J. Watt’s car.
It was a beautiful ceremony. When Murray stood on a chair to kiss his bride, there wasn’t a dry eye to be seen, according to Stevie Wonder, who was told that he was in attendance.
The Rams added a ton of weapons in the offseason, but neglected to help their offensive line. This led to QB Matt Stafford being lost for the year in Week Two, and also left the run game stuck in neutral since the preseason. Give you one guess what they’ll be taking with their first round pick this year. Oh wait! They won’t have a first rounder this year. Or next year. Dopes.
AFC SOUTH!
After partially tearing the meniscus in his right knee in training camp, it was quickly thought by both QB Carson Wentz and the Colts front office, that the smartest thing would be for Carson to just rest, relax and let that tear take 3 to 5 months to heal on its own. While the Eagles paid him 34 million dollars.
Though Wentz played only half the season, taking just under 50% of the snaps, the Colts almost rallied to make the playoffs, going 7 – 1 with Wentz starting. Pretty smart trade. Especially since Wentz didn’t count against the Colts 2021 salary cap.
On a roster that features RB’s David Johnson, Mark Ingram, and Phillip Lindsay, you probably would never guess who led the team in rushing yards. It was Texans QB Tyrod Taylor, who spent the season running for his goddamned life. In the hopes of not suffering another punctured lung, Taylor racked up a career best 836 yards. Meanwhile, R. Kelly is alleging that QB Deshaun Watson inappropriately… (No. I’m going to draw a line here. Gotta preserve a little class.)
WE WILL SUCK YOUR DICK!!!! That’s the Jaguars latest promotion to get people to come to the stadium. Lord knows no one wants to watch them play football. Look at all the upgrades! Super-fast WiFi, an impressive sound system, they put in a party deck, a pool… They’ve done everything they can to avoid improving the team. Now the team has executives slobbing knobs. And they’re all so bad at it! C’mon folks! More spit, less teeth. This is basic stuff!
The Titans were the favorite to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, until QB Ryan Tannehill tore his Achilles in Week One, and QB DeShone Kizer “Soze” stepped in and killed the whole team. Kizer continued the 0 – 15 magic that he had in Cleveland, going 0 – 7 before being benched for QB Logan Woodside… who then promptly tore his ACL, meaning that Kizer would come back out, and finish the season. Kizer went 0 – 15 (again), even though he also lost the two games started by other QB’s.
NFC SOUTH.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have increased their reward for information about head coach Bruce Arian’s whereabouts. Police are looking at DT Ndamukong Suh as a person of interest because, well… Because he’s fucking Ndamukong Suh! I mean come on!
With the retirement of QB Drew Brees last year, the Saints 6 – 11 season shows that they have gone back to being the hapless, talent squandering, afterthoughts that have historically always been. Fans are taking it well, saying that their relevance was nice while it lasted.
The Falcons 5 – 12 record was predicted immediately after they traded WR Julio Jones to Tennessee last year. For a team with no defense, keeping Jones to go with their other weapons, would have made outscoring opponents easy. But Atlanta said “Fuck that!” and thew their easy button out of a tenth floor window. Nowwww look at them. Just look. SMDH.
Panthers RB Christian McCaffrey spent this season being 25 going on 35. Bouncing back from an injury, while being the focal point of an offense, with a QB trying to re-hab himself from having been a Jet, did no favors for McCaffrey. His 663 yards in 10 starts, will likely have the Panthers spending yet another late round draft pick on a RB, who is ill-suited to ever being a starter. Or a contributor. These guys just can’t learn.
AFC EAST!
The NFL finally made good on its threat to banish the Jets, who can no longer be referred to, as a “professional” football team. As the NCAA has not yet agreed to take them, the Jets have no official league designation yet. The CFL hasn’t offered a verbal or written response as to whether the Jets can seek asylum in Canada. However, the CFL’s pursed lips and side-eye, have offered a very strong hint about where they stand on the issue.
Bill Belichick has coached his last game for the Patriots. He is expected to take the job in Tampa Bay, after coach Bruce Arians suddenly went missing. QB Tom Brady is telling Congress that they cannot search his house.
Buffalo WR and anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley is recovering from the Delta variant of Covid-19. Luckily his access to the best medical treatment that NFL money can buy, put the odds for a full recovery, heavily in his favor. His wife Krystin however, was not an NFL employee. Get vaccinated.
After having changed his name from Jomal Wiltz to Jamal Perry in 2020, the IRS caught up with the Dolphins CB anyway. This goes to show, if you’re going to change your name, do it before you’re on television at least 17 times a year.
NFC EAST!!!
For the second year in a row, Washington won 7 games! While their 8 losses are fewer than the 9 from a year ago, their 2 ties offer little in the way of optimism. Because of that, there is currently a split in their fan base. Half of their fans argue that the 7 – 8 – 2 team, is an 8 – 8 team (“Because two half wins, equals one whole one. Dummy!”). Meanwhile, other half of their fan base sees the team as 7 – 8, and thus improved over 7 – 9 (“Because thems two ties cancels theyselves out. Stupid!”). Either way, the rest of us just see a degenerate, losing team that missed the playoffs.
The giants didn’t have to depend on a division rival to get to the playoffs this year, because they used StubHub! They got a great price, on great seats, and watched the Lions model the sort of franchise New York hopes to become. Maybe next year the giants won’t go 5 – 12, and they’ll qualify for a playoff berth on their own. Hey! The giants in the playoffs! Look at me! I got jokes!
The Cowboys went 12 – 5 and easily won their division. With a 5,000 yard passer, a 1,700 yard rusher, and THREE 1,000 yard receivers, right out of the gate, Dallas took the NFL by storm. Which is why their first round dismantling in the playoffs was so surprising. The 41 – 6 walloping at the hands of QB Joe Flacco, will forever be known in NFL circles as “The Dall-Ass Whipping”.
The Carson Wentz trade didn’t yield the Eagles a first round pick, and QB Jalen Hurtswas so bad that he was benched by Week Nine. Also, Head Coach Nick Sirianni retiring mid-season to join a professional Rochambeau league, didn’t surprise as many people as you’d think.
After which the hapless Eagles managed to rally and stumble into the playoffs as a wild card. At which point they utterly shelled the Cowboys 41 – 6, before losing to Detroit in the second round.
DISCLAIMER: If you use this article for gambling or betting purposes, you’re an idiot and your money is safer with other people. Don’t be dunce. Stop gambling on sports.
KEEP in mind, when these predictions come out, no one knows who will be drafted by which team. So this is an assessment of the team as it is staffed by veteran players with track records.
Rookies may contribute heavily to their team, but they don’t usually shake up the NFC East as a division. That being said, there’s a pretty good chance that what you see here, will be how it shakes out for the year.
Now let’s look at 2021:
If you’ve read all of the articles leading up to this, you’ll understand my conclusion. Good job! If you didn’t, you’ll likely be annoyed because you did a bad job of preparing. The fact is, I gave NO team’s overall offense a passing grade, and I gave NO team’s defense one either.
Instead of rating units (offense, defense, special teams), this year everyone was so weak in key areas, that I was forced to award points for positions. So if this year’s report feels different than another year’s, rest assured, it is.
Strongest Offense: PHILADELPHIA
Yeah. I was surprised too. I gave no team points for QB, as everyone either has to prove themselves (Prescott, Hurts), or they’ve been trash historically (Fitzpatrick, Jones). Of all the teams here, Philly is the only one without an immediate need for offensive line help, as they are the only team in the division who doesn’t need help at OT, and even have competition there. They also have the best TE situation in the division by far, and a complete stable of RB’s. What they lack is WR firepower, but that’s more of a playoff problem, than a regular season issue.
Weakest Offense:NEW YORK
They have one OT and a C. Everything else is in a state of unnecessary upheaval. This team’s offense used to run through RB Saquon Barkley, but that can’t happen this year, as he’s just getting back from a torn ACL. QB Daniel Jones has to step up and prove that he can carry the… Sorry. I had a laughing fit. Jones is on his last leg as a starter, and it’s the worst kept secret in all of sports. Sadly too many of the pieces just don’t complement each other. It’s awkward. It boxes lefty. This offense was ruined in the front office, and it gets worse every year.
Strongest Defense:WASHINGTON
All four teams have issues in the secondary. That can’t even be debated. Of all the teams, Washington has the least issues and the best front seven. They can play their base 4-3, but they can easily flex to a 4-3 under, or to a 3-4, without changing personnel. NY wants to be multiple, and still can’t pull it off as well as Washington can.
Weakest Defense:DALLAS
They not only have everyone’s coverage problem, they also can’t rush the passer. They have a pair or good young LB’s in the heart of their unit, but that wasn’t enough last year, and won’t be enough this year.
Strongest Special Teams: DALLAS
They have a pair of reliable legs. Nothing fancy, but reliability is how you win field position battles. Which in turn is partly how you win games. Especially close ones.
Weakest Special Teams:PHILADELPHIA
A Kicker who seems to be rotting away on the inside, and a Punter who’s entirely an experiment from another part of the world.
Projected Winner: WASHINGTON
Having the most solid defense in the division cannot be ignored. Their offensive woes are partly due to focusing on adding defensive talent, and partly due to a scheme which relies too heavily on being cute, instead of being smart. Last year they went 5 – 1 (out of 7 wins), under game managing QB Alex Smith. This year their starting QB likes to gamble with house money. On it’s own, this team can’t win the division. But they could get by, with a little help from their friends.
Darkhorse Winner:PHILADELPHIA
New York is a team rotting on the vine, and Dallas doesn’t think they need a defense. Besides, whenever the Cowboys see something they don’t like in the mirror, they just cover it and add another WR. QB problems be damned, there is no way a team with so much talent on it, should have finished 6-10. I meant the Cowboys of course. There is no way I could have been talking about the giants.
After taking a looooooong look all four teams over this last month, I’ve noticed that Philadelphia is not nearly as far away as many people, (including me initially) might think. Currently, they have the most complete offense, and the second most complete defense in the division. If they end up putting things together at the QB position, the Eagles will have people treating them like a team that’s missed the playoffs for the last decade, instead of the team that has won the East, two of the last four times.
KEEP the streak alive! The Eagles will be looking to start the second half of the year, like they should have started the first: By putting down a division rival. This is no time to play down to our opponent. Instead, we have to get back to the competent play-calling that made execution and game-flow, seem almost Zen-like.
A win here puts the Eagles at 4 – 4 – 1 (.500), while driving the giants down to 2 – 8. A loss, still has us leading the division, but it lifts everyone behind us. While this isn’t a “must win” game, winning this week would the division lead on a high shelf, in a division full of short arms and legs.
The point of Four Things isn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics will practically guarantee our Eagles this win. CAUTION: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use FT as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money.
So let’s talk about the Four Things we need to focus on this week versus the giants :
1) Hand the ball off 20+ times: The only game where I called for 20+ handoffs and we lost, was the Rams game. The other 4 times: 3 wins, 1 tie. To sweeten the pot, we get RB Miles Sanders back this week. To give ourselves the best chance to win, we need to run the ball both early and often. EARLY! And OFTEN!
2) Play gap control defense: The giants seem to have found a runner that they feel good about, in addition to having a QB with some mobility. Take that away early. Force early 3rd and longs, then bring a 5th rusher like MLB T.J. Edwards from their offense’s strong-side. Not from the edge, but between DE Brandon Graham and DT Fletcher Cox. Let their QB see the rush. Speed up the clock in his head, while taking away his favorite scrambling side. Force him to his left. From there he will find ways, maybe even invent ways, to get our Defense the ball.
3) Spread them out: In the last match-up, our Spread formations kept the giants out of their base defense, robbing them of any real pass rush. Do this again, and run the ball down their throats. Getting back WR Alshon Jeffery this week should make this part so easy.
4) Mix up our coverages: In the first meeting, the giants scored a redzone TD by preying on the way Eagles DB’s switch off coverages. It was a film study TD, and I tip my cap to the giants for the excellent prep. Kudos. This time we need to feed them a few looks with similar keys, so that we can bait them into throwing balls into places where they shouldn’t be. It’d be nice to see CB Darius Slay finally get himself a souvenir from this season.
If we do these Four Things, the final score should be:
PREDICTION: EAGLES 30 – giants 14
Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how it went.
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