TOLD you so! In my QB of the Future article, I said, regardless of whether QB Jalen Hurtsis healthy, the Eagles will find a reason to get QB Gardner Minshewon the field, around Week 8. Well the Lions game was Week 8, wasn’t it? Did Minshew play? Yes indeedy he did! I saw this one coming from a mile out.
Didn’t you?
I figured the Eagles would jinn up some reason, but the blowout was good enough. In fact, it was the best-case scenario. Notice how the words “QB controversy” aren’t on anybody’s lips, right now? Minshew threw 2 passes, completing both for just 11 yards. Otherwise, he played hand-off machine, and didn’t even attempt anything interesting.
Yet.
This isn’t me trying to create a story. Let me say this outright. Right now there isn’t a story. No one is trying to spook, or unsettle you. No one is trying trick you into click-bait, ladies.
What I’m doing, is what I told you I’d do. Over the last couple of years, I think people (me included), have forgotten just how kick-ass I am at this. So I’ve decided to make a point of reminding you of who I am, and why you should come here. So, I’m not leaving a prediction open to interpretation. When I nail it, I’m going to point it out directly.
I had plenty more to say in the ‘QB of the Future’ article, and the one that came before it Killing Off All Starting QB’s. Some of it will take seasons to unfold. Which is fine by me. Time after time, I’ve mentioned on here that I’m a patient man. I cannot be tired by waiting, because I don’t just attach myself to an idea. I invest in it. I evolve with it, if need be.
Rest assured, I don’t just seem different. I am different.
As for Gardner Minshew? Keep your eyes open. We’ll talk.
Well… I’ll talk. And if you have an opinion, you can talk back.
PHILADELPHIA beat the holy hell out of Atlanta, 32 – 6 in the season opener. It brings our Eagles to 1 – 0, and puts us in the driver’s seat for the division lead, since no one else in our division was up to the challenge put to them this week. But just how significant was our victory over the Falcons?
Atlanta is a bad team. Let’s get that out of the way, right now. Like us, they were 4 – 12 last year. In fact, they originally were two draft slots ahead of us, until we traded back from 6th to 10th. Their defense was the stuff of comedy legend. Only three teams allowed more yards than Atlanta did. Nobody allowed more passing yards.
As a result, last week’s NFL Power rankings had the Eagles ranked 25th and the Falcons 26th. In an article that the NFL put out last Monday, they had the Falcons projected win total at 6, and ours at 5. All indications had us being evenly matched teams. Except, 32 – 6 proved that we are not evenly matched.
A score like 39 – 40 indicates being evenly matched.
(Remember how dominant the Cowboys were in this one?)
But back to the Eagles! The beginning of the game saw the Eagles getting punched in the mouth, and it seemed like our Defense would get run over all day. Then our Defense rallied, holding a 1st and Goal, to a field goal. After which, we built from there. That’s character. Which has nothing to do with how good the Falcons are or aren’t, but has everything to do who the Eagles are.
Despite all the media pundits putting rookie TE Kyle Pitts in the Hall Of Fame, prior to even playing a game, he was held in check with a small Nickelback in Avonte Maddox. Atlanta was held to 0/2 in the red zone. Meanwhile our execution had us 3 for 3.
This was all done with a rookie head coach, and most impressively, no turnovers. We committed none, and we got none, and still we blew a team out. We put up a 26 point differential, without taking the ball away ONCE. Did you know, there are teams out there who can’t win a game, even if they get spotted FOUR turnovers. It’s true!
“It was just the Falcons.” Sure, if you’re an idiot. For those who aren’t idiots, this game wasn’t about the opponent. It was about the Eagles. The Eagles didn’t squeak by the Falcons. They did what you’d expect a playoff team to do to a bad team. They wiped the FLOOR with them. The Eagles got punched in the mouth 0 – 3, took the lead 7 – 3 on rookie WR Devonta Smith‘s TD grab, and from there never looked back.
How meaningful was this win? That question isn’t determined by who is, or who isn’t across the line from us. It’s about who we ourselves are striving to be, regardless of who opposes us, or doesn’t believe in us. It’s about being good enough, because we continuously make damned sure, that we are. Don’t let anyone obscure that for you. Not regarding this football game, or in your day to day lives.
And only an idiot wouldn’t see the meaning, in that.
THIS is Monday, September 6th 2021, and this article will probably seem crazy to you.
While everyone else was yelling and weighing-in on the trade for QB Gardner Minshew, I shut up. What I did was sit back, observe, and consider.
This article marks my first official statement on the trade, or on what Minshew being an Eagle truly heralds. This article is not about this season, but about the future. The long game.
Never lose sight of the long game.
*******
Early in June, I wrote that the NFL is Killing Off All Starting QB’s. I told you that the NFL is changing the concept of the every game starter. I got into the reasons why this is happening, and why it is happening, specifically now.
While it may have seemed far-fetched when I wrote about it in June, if you caught last week’s final preseason game between the Las Vegas Raiders and the San Francisco 49ers, you were treated to more of the Wentz/Hurts, Brees/Hill style of platooning QB’s, that I mentioned in the ‘Killing’ article.
While working on this article, I saw Saturday, that NFL reporter Bucky Brooks put out an article recommending that the 49ers utilize the two QB approach. Figuring that he’d covered it, I almost put this article in my ‘Unpublished Articles’ folder. However, after reading Brooks, I saw that he left it at just the 9ers, andhadn’t really broached the broader subject.
Brook’s article (and even the original draft of this one), mentions the 49ers head coach saying “I don’t need to announce the quarterback, I don’t think I need to announce the starting punt returner, either, but I bet you guys could figure it out,“.
Clearly, the coach was having fun at the media’s expense, but since when was a head coach ever coy about such a thing, two weeks before the season opener? Especially after subbing his QB’s in and out, like a wresting tag team. This is different, folks! Don’t get caught missing the action, while staring directly at it. Don’t let NFL GM’s brag about how they snake charmed us.
Getting back to the Eagles, many people (fans and pundits alike), are speculating that the Minshew trade is about having an insurance policy for QB Jalen Hurts, or having someone to push him. Neither is true. Minshew will play this year. Not just that, but even if Hurts is still healthy by Week 8 or so, you’ll still see Minshew take a few snaps. At least.
Expect to hear (or read) some kooky nonsense about how the coaching staff has “different packages” they want to run for Minshew. As if he has a physical trait or ability that Hurts doesn’t, which the staff desperately needs to get out on the field. It will be utter nonsense. Just enough babble to excite the kind of fan who reads Dave Spadaro, unironically.
In the “Killing” article, I went into why NFL franchises need the two QB system to control their costs. In this article, I’ll add that franchises also need the two QB system, as a means of increasing revenue. The central idea here, is that more games, equals more money. But first, “relics” like Aaaron Rodgers have to be phased out.
The NFL can’t ask television networks for substantially more money, without offering a substantial increase in their product, or finding some other value added aspect. That’s just Sales 101. This is easily solvable by adding more games, which the NFL is eager to do.
We all know that NFL has long had it’s eye on international expansion. (More games.) They’ve also been in talks with the Player’s Association over the years, to find ways to lengthen the regular season. (More games.) Right now were seeing the league attempt to lengthen the regular season, by undercutting the preseason. (And so far the results are ugly.)
Teams can’t play a 20 – 21 game regular season with just one starting QB. The Human body can only take so much punishment. The two QB move, is a move that the NFL has to make, if they want to grow the league. So the NFL has to transition you to being okay with a two QB system. Whether your team runs it or not, is immaterial. The NFL just has to normalize the idea.
Again, this is Monday, September 6th 2021, and this article probably sounded crazy to you. That’s okay. I just wanted to get it on record, that this was another time when I was out, waaay ahead of the curve. While a couple of my “I told you so” articles have been open to interpretation, the one that I will write about this one, won’t be.
CENSORSHIP is running amok on Facebook. This is mostly an overcompensation for all the illegal stuff that FB was rumored to be letting Russian hackers (cough cough, government agents) get away with, prior to the 2016 Presidential election.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg had his ass hauled in front of Congress, and now the social media platform is taking down anything that can be misconstrued as bullying, or spreading false information. They’re even going so far as to take down memes and posts from 2017 and earlier. As a result, lots of the funniest shit that you and I ever posted, is coming down.
Since I hate that, I decided to create a running page of rude, sexualized, sometimes blatantly offensive memes, just because I think there should be a place where we ADULTS, can still be treated as such.
And so. Without further ado…
THE OFFENSIVE SHIT!
FB actually flagged me for this one, back when I made it.
AS an Eagles fan, I avoid writing about rival teams or players unless it’s truly newsworthy. Otherwise, I ignore them and focus on MY team: The Philadelphia Eagles. That being said, I have dirt to dish. So pull up a chair and let’s talk some shit.
Cowboys QB Dak Prescott refuses to reveal whether or not he’s been vaccinated for Covid-19. When asked about it, he incorrectly invoked HIPAA, and then dived into a stream of meaningless double-talk. This basically says that he hasn’t gotten vaccinated. Whether he’s leaning that way or is staunchly opposed, remains to be seen.
Frankly, it’s not important one way or the other. I’d be telling you a lie to say that I cared at all.
I’m not saying that I wish Covid on the man. I don’t. What I’m here to talk about, is how truly Karmic it would be, if in his situation, he contracted Covid-19. For no damned reason at all.
He just signed one of the most lucrative contracts in NFL history, and the vaccine is totally FREE. Doesn’t cost a single red cent. Even if it wasn’t available in his neighborhood, the Cowboys medical staff would happily drive it to his home to vaccinate him. I’m sure they’d even wade through his pool to do it, as he lay on an inflatable chair.
He has NO BUSINESS getting this disease. NONE.
So if he gets it by himself and has to quarantine, his decision could cost his team one or two games. If he’s part of an outbreak, then his team may need to automatically hand over a win (or two, or three) to whomever they were scheduled to play.
Prescott could avoid all of this now, by being vaccinated. Instead, the plan is to keep QB Ben “Bring It On” DiNucci,
or preseason hall of fame QB Cooper Rush, loose and ready to go. This is because Prescott’s new deal made signing a good back-up, too expensive. (And Chicago lied to QB Andy Dalton.)
While Covid has a high survival rate, often victims are left with long-term symptoms like difficulty breathing, shortness of breath, fatigue, symptoms that worsen after physical activities, difficulty thinking or concentrating (brain fog), and lots of other crap. These people are often called Covid Long Haulers, or said to have Long Covid, or Post-acute Covid., by the CDC
Significantly more victims suffer these long-term effects, than die from the disease, and that’s what poses the bigger danger for Prescott. An NFL athlete can’t play while dragging around an oxygen tank. A QB can’t be at his best with brain fog. If walking up 10 stairs can worsen symptoms for the average person, imagine what an NFL game would do to Prescott.
If Prescott contracts Covid, even when he gets back, he may never be the same player, ever again. It could derail his career, like Guillain-Barre Syndrome did with retired C Travis Frederick. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, would be stuck with a lemon that he owes 126M$. It would be years before the Cowboys could be competitive in the free agent market.
As bad as QB Carson Wentz’s situation looks for the Eagles in 2021, Prescott not being vaccinated could make the Cowboys look a lot worse for a third of a decade. Given that Jones is no spring chicken at 78, there’s a chance that he may not even live to see the Cowboys get from under (as Jones put it), overpaying Prescott.
Again, I’m not saying that I wish Covid on him. I don’t. I’m saying, given the life choices that his fellow players make, not knowing where they’ve been, or who with… To risk that? So is this how a Franchise QB is supposed to behave? As the saying goes, play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
AFTER weeks of speculation over whether we would, the Philadelphia Eagles have finally signed free agent CB Steve Nelson, formerly of the Steelers and the Chiefs. One of the loudest voices trying to lure him here, was CB Darius Slay. By most peoples calculations (and Slay’s), this should give the Eagles a shutdown duo. Especially with the coming changes to the defensive scheme.
I do however, have a couple of questions. Why were we able sign him? Why only a 1 year, 4M$ deal? Many Eagles fans will say “Shut up! Just take the gift!”, but I’m not wired like that. I crave knowledge. I didn’t see any stories about him being arrested or anything like that. So maybe he’s not a great locker room guy? I dunno.
Nelson is just 28, has been durable, and started a ton. He’s also been moved on from, twice in his career. The two coaches to do so, were Andy Reid and Mike Tomlin, respectively. Those are not coaches known for giving up on players. Especially promising ones.
For some reason though, he’d just been sitting in free agency limbo since March. While a few teams were kicking the tires, it was reported that they (and the Eagles), had reservations about paying him north of 3M$ per year.
Honestly, 3M per year for CB with Nelson’s resume, doesn’t seem that expensive to me. The idea of being able to negate a 20M$ WR with a 3M$ CB, strikes me as a win. What confuses me, is now that the leap has been made, why only one year? Why the lack of commitment? Why are we still not sold on him?
When General Manager Howie Roseman inked Slay last year, it was for 3 years, 50M$, with 26M guaranteed. Slay was 29, had been durable, and started a ton.
Despite Nelson ticking those same boxes, his deal has me wondering why the Eagles didn’t try to lock him down, before he plays his way into a more lucrative deal.
It’s not like there’s going to be an open competition for the spot, because he’ll plenty of opportunity to shine. Nelson and Slay (barring injury), are your starters at CB in 2021. This is the reality. The Eagles aren’t spending 4 mil on a guy, to watch him ride pine.
Rookie CB Zech MacPherson may get to challenge for the spot in 2022, but any fantasies he entertained of winning a starting role in 2021, are officially dead. Still, I’ll be keeping an eye on how Nelson gels with his teammates. Especially with everyone predicting that we’ll have a rough season.
RIGHTS were not trampled. No freedoms were infringed. The NFL simply said that if an outbreak costs the league, it will also cost the players. That was me paraphrasing, but that’s essentially the jist of it. Yet over these last two days, the amount of arguing this has generated has been insane. So here’s my two cents.
The players have every right to choose whether or not they’ll be vaccinated against Covid-19. Over the last few months, the NFL as an organization has made it abundantly clear that they understand the players right to choose. That said, the NFL has also made it clear that in the event of a team-wide outbreak of the virus, games may have to be forfeited.
While no player’s right to choose was in any way infringed, each NFL owner is telling his roster:
And that is THEIR right.
If players choosing not get vaccinated leads to a team-wide outbreak, the players may have to eat not only the loss of those game-checks, but also a game loss, which will affect playoff positioning eventually.
It’s entirely possible that your favorite team could go, let’s say 8 – 9 instead of 10 – 7, due to a two week shutdown for Covid. Now imagine that just one of those forfeits was to a division rival. If your team finished second (again 8 – 9) behind a 9 – 8 division rival, and missed a playoff berth, as a fan you’d be angry. Teammates however, would be at each other’s throats. In some cases literally.
It makes me wonder how many “on the bubble” situations will come down to a vaccinated player being prioritized, over a slightly more talented player, who isn’t vaccinated. I’m of course talking back-ups, not starters. But every unvaccinated player is one who could help generate one or more automatic losses. Imagine losing games without even getting to try. That’s what this is!
This edict from the NFL will not automatically get vaccines into players arms. What it will do is call their commitment to winning into question. Not just by teammates, but when contracts have to be negotiated. When sponsors are looking for a face to endorse their offerings. When votes are cast for Canton.
The NFL recognizes that the players have the freedom to choose. However, they are also recognizing a seldom acknowledged truth about freedom. Like the coin flipped before every game, freedom is on one side and consequence is on the other. Whenever you can only see one side of the coin, it is being rested on, it is being propped up by, the side that you don’t.
I for one, am happy about this. In recent years, far too many Americans have been screaming about freedom, without really giving any thought to the responsibility that comes with wielding it. Perhaps this will help spark some well overdue conversations about it.
OVER the decades, Eagles fans are used to hearing “I believe we can win with the guys in this locker room.” We’ve also heard (with regard to wish list free agents), “We’re not thinking about anyone who’s not on this roster.” As Eagles fans we’re used to quotes like that. Which makes what CB Darius Slay is doing, stick out so much.
Slay has been campaigning for weeks now, to bring in free agent CB Steve Nelson. Let’s clear something up right away. I’m not saying that Slay is wrong to want to add Nelson. I think Nelson is better than every Eagles CB aside from Slay. There is no doubting that he would be an upgrade in talent.
However, unlike Slay, I’m not on the Eagles roster. There is no way for Slay to say that Nelson should be the other starting CB, without saying that CB Avonte Maddox should take a seat. Jumping up and down and shouting for a free agent, is not a vote of confidence in Maddox. In fact, it’s saying that Slay doubts that Maddox can get the job done.
It’s a slick way of calling Maddox trash, without repeatedly brushing his feet with a broom. For weeks now, I’ve sat back and waited for the local media to ask “Did Slay call Maddox, trash?” As usual they ducked the obvious story, for fear they’d ruffle feathers. (See what I did there?)
So I’m here asking the question. Did Slay-
ULTERIOR MOTIVE ALERT! ULTERIOR MOTIVE ALERT!
Okay, okay. I only asked that question, to ask a more important one. If Eagles players can openly call Maddox trash, how far is that honesty allowed to roam? Let me give you some examples:
Is anyone going to call out C Jason Kelce and G Isaac Seumalo for ending up in a QB’s lap too often? At what point can teammates tell WR Jalen Reagor that his routes should be as well run as his mouth? Is it okay to say, that when he starts, QB Jalen hurts the Offense? (See what I did there? Don’t act like you didn’t like it!)
I say this because we are at the beginning of a new culture here. Players baptizing each other is over and out the door. That went away with OCFrank Reich, TE Trey Burton, QB Nick Foles, QB Carson Wentz, and HC Doug Pederson. This is a new locker room. And for their opening trick, we have a player ever so slyly, being thrown under a bus.
Honestly, where else could you go, to get such a no bullshit perspective, like this? Admit it. I spoil you.
LOOK at that! The Bengals have converted their field from grass to mattresses. Not only has it already improved the look of their stadium, but their owner thinks it will extend, or at least not keep shortening, the lifespan of QB Joe Burrow. The team is also asking the league to allow Burrow to wear several pillows duct taped to his helmet. It’s either that or spend the money to protect him.
Steelers LB T.J. Watt increased his sack total for the third straight year in a row. Due to notching 16.5 sacks, he continues to be above criticism. This is despite sporting a missed tackle percentage of over 10 percent, in every season of his career. If only there were some sort of clue about how to fix the defense…
The carriage turned back into a pumpkin, and the horses turned back into rats, as the Browns returned to reality and went 3 – 14 this year.
Somewhere out there is a desperate Browns fan, carrying a clear, platform shoe, and searching for Princess Odell.
Ravens K Justin Tucker’s rap/opera album “Come Kick It Wit’ Me” shot to the top of the Italian pop music charts this year. Sighting how he didn’t need this “NFL boll sheed no mo’ ”, Tucker announced his retirement. After which he flipped the double-bird, as he rode away barefoot in a kiddie pool, which was situated in the bed of an El Camino. There was no water in the pool.
NFC NORTH!
Raise your hand if you predicted the Lions going 14 – 3, getting a first round bye, and winning it all.
“It’s better than drinkable water!” was how one fan described the Detroit Lions Super Bowl parade. Thousands of fans came out to celebrate and cheer their team, not long before tens of thousands of muggers descended on both the fans and the players. The car-jacking of a parade float would be the low-point of the day, and perhaps the lowest in all of American history.
After a just barely failing to qualify for a wild card berth, a 9 – 8 Minnesota team is still unsure if they’re a bad team that frequently overachieves, or a good team that chokes at the slightest sign of true relevance.
As Chicago continues their search for a passer, Bears QB Justin Fields was traded to Buffalo for QB Mitch Trubisky. One Chicago football fan said “Eh, it’s good we went an’got a veteran quarterback now, ‘cause Fields played like a rookie. I mean, why din’t he just look at what Tommy Bradley does in Tampa, then come right out and copy exactly what he saw?How hard could dat be, right?? Anyways, Trubisky sounds like a good Polish name. It feels familiar. I like it.”
After another implosion in the second round of the playoffs, QB Aaron Rodgers is continuing to act like he’s doing Packers fans a favor, by allowing them to overpay him millions more than he’s ever truly deserved. Perhaps Green Bay should have double checked for a discount.
AFC WEST!
After not allowing fans in to SoFi Stadium at all in 2020, the LA Chargers opened their arms to their loyal, fickle, frequently disinterested fan base. In a stadium that seats 70,000, the Chargers drew an average of 28,000 to their games. Somewhere the ghost of Al Davis is laughing so hard, that he’s gasping for air.
Despite being heavily favored by odds-makers, the Raiders Super Bowl loss continues to confound people. Suddenly retired Raider QB Derek Carr, could not be reached for comment as he was out on his yacht. The gold one, not the one made entirely out of stacks of money. His agent Pete Rose also declined comment.
The Chiefs were expected to have a more difficult road, but no one thought they’d miss the playoffs. As a disciplinary measure for yet another violation of team player conduct policy, Andy Reid ate WR Tyreek Hill, prior to the final game of the preseason. When asked if he regretted having eaten the WR, coach Reid responded “Listen, you’d expect athlete meat to be tough, but Tyreek, he was something special. Didn’t even need a marinade. Wait. What was the question?”
The Denver Broncos are trying to decide whether to screw over either another old RB, or another young QB, during this offseason. Either way, it will most certainly cripple the team’s offense next year. Their fans of course, will again feel like they’ve been stabbed directly in the face, when the team spends their top pick on a WR.
NFC WEST!
The 49ers, who paid QB Jimmy Garoppolo 26M$ to sit and watch rookie QB Trey Lance have an up and down year, will still owe Garoppolo 27M$ next year. Worse yet, they likely have to endure at least one more year with him on the roster, as he won’t waive his no-trade clause. That is, unless he gets an offer he likes, from a team that won’t mind him throwing with his eyes closed. Still, the defense was good enough for the team to post a 10 – 7 record.
Seattle RB Rashaad Penny was surprised to learn that the team is declining to pick up his 5th year option. Penny was selected in the first round of the 2018 Draft, but didn’t get his first start until 2021. In that game, he had one carry for 8 broken tackles, and a 63 yard touchdown. It also resulted in a torn hamstring which ended his season. Tore it right off the bone! When asked whether Penny is “a bust”, GM John Schneider, shrieked, burst into tears, and attempted to answer questions. He however, couldn’t be understood through his high-pitched, racking sobs. Seattle predictably bowed out in the second round of the playoffs.
No matter how much talent Arizona adds, sub .500 is the best God will allow. In other news, QB Kyler Murray married the dancing hula girl on the dash board of J.J. Watt’s car.
It was a beautiful ceremony. When Murray stood on a chair to kiss his bride, there wasn’t a dry eye to be seen, according to Stevie Wonder, who was told that he was in attendance.
The Rams added a ton of weapons in the offseason, but neglected to help their offensive line. This led to QB Matt Stafford being lost for the year in Week Two, and also left the run game stuck in neutral since the preseason. Give you one guess what they’ll be taking with their first round pick this year. Oh wait! They won’t have a first rounder this year. Or next year. Dopes.
AFC SOUTH!
After partially tearing the meniscus in his right knee in training camp, it was quickly thought by both QB Carson Wentz and the Colts front office, that the smartest thing would be for Carson to just rest, relax and let that tear take 3 to 5 months to heal on its own. While the Eagles paid him 34 million dollars.
Though Wentz played only half the season, taking just under 50% of the snaps, the Colts almost rallied to make the playoffs, going 7 – 1 with Wentz starting. Pretty smart trade. Especially since Wentz didn’t count against the Colts 2021 salary cap.
On a roster that features RB’s David Johnson, Mark Ingram, and Phillip Lindsay, you probably would never guess who led the team in rushing yards. It was Texans QB Tyrod Taylor, who spent the season running for his goddamned life. In the hopes of not suffering another punctured lung, Taylor racked up a career best 836 yards. Meanwhile, R. Kelly is alleging that QB Deshaun Watson inappropriately… (No. I’m going to draw a line here. Gotta preserve a little class.)
WE WILL SUCK YOUR DICK!!!! That’s the Jaguars latest promotion to get people to come to the stadium. Lord knows no one wants to watch them play football. Look at all the upgrades! Super-fast WiFi, an impressive sound system, they put in a party deck, a pool… They’ve done everything they can to avoid improving the team. Now the team has executives slobbing knobs. And they’re all so bad at it! C’mon folks! More spit, less teeth. This is basic stuff!
The Titans were the favorite to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, until QB Ryan Tannehill tore his Achilles in Week One, and QB DeShone Kizer “Soze” stepped in and killed the whole team. Kizer continued the 0 – 15 magic that he had in Cleveland, going 0 – 7 before being benched for QB Logan Woodside… who then promptly tore his ACL, meaning that Kizer would come back out, and finish the season. Kizer went 0 – 15 (again), even though he also lost the two games started by other QB’s.
NFC SOUTH.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have increased their reward for information about head coach Bruce Arian’s whereabouts. Police are looking at DT Ndamukong Suh as a person of interest because, well… Because he’s fucking Ndamukong Suh! I mean come on!
With the retirement of QB Drew Brees last year, the Saints 6 – 11 season shows that they have gone back to being the hapless, talent squandering, afterthoughts that have historically always been. Fans are taking it well, saying that their relevance was nice while it lasted.
The Falcons 5 – 12 record was predicted immediately after they traded WR Julio Jones to Tennessee last year. For a team with no defense, keeping Jones to go with their other weapons, would have made outscoring opponents easy. But Atlanta said “Fuck that!” and thew their easy button out of a tenth floor window. Nowwww look at them. Just look. SMDH.
Panthers RB Christian McCaffrey spent this season being 25 going on 35. Bouncing back from an injury, while being the focal point of an offense, with a QB trying to re-hab himself from having been a Jet, did no favors for McCaffrey. His 663 yards in 10 starts, will likely have the Panthers spending yet another late round draft pick on a RB, who is ill-suited to ever being a starter. Or a contributor. These guys just can’t learn.
AFC EAST!
The NFL finally made good on its threat to banish the Jets, who can no longer be referred to, as a “professional” football team. As the NCAA has not yet agreed to take them, the Jets have no official league designation yet. The CFL hasn’t offered a verbal or written response as to whether the Jets can seek asylum in Canada. However, the CFL’s pursed lips and side-eye, have offered a very strong hint about where they stand on the issue.
Bill Belichick has coached his last game for the Patriots. He is expected to take the job in Tampa Bay, after coach Bruce Arians suddenly went missing. QB Tom Brady is telling Congress that they cannot search his house.
Buffalo WR and anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley is recovering from the Delta variant of Covid-19. Luckily his access to the best medical treatment that NFL money can buy, put the odds for a full recovery, heavily in his favor. His wife Krystin however, was not an NFL employee. Get vaccinated.
After having changed his name from Jomal Wiltz to Jamal Perry in 2020, the IRS caught up with the Dolphins CB anyway. This goes to show, if you’re going to change your name, do it before you’re on television at least 17 times a year.
NFC EAST!!!
For the second year in a row, Washington won 7 games! While their 8 losses are fewer than the 9 from a year ago, their 2 ties offer little in the way of optimism. Because of that, there is currently a split in their fan base. Half of their fans argue that the 7 – 8 – 2 team, is an 8 – 8 team (“Because two half wins, equals one whole one. Dummy!”). Meanwhile, other half of their fan base sees the team as 7 – 8, and thus improved over 7 – 9 (“Because thems two ties cancels theyselves out. Stupid!”). Either way, the rest of us just see a degenerate, losing team that missed the playoffs.
The giants didn’t have to depend on a division rival to get to the playoffs this year, because they used StubHub! They got a great price, on great seats, and watched the Lions model the sort of franchise New York hopes to become. Maybe next year the giants won’t go 5 – 12, and they’ll qualify for a playoff berth on their own. Hey! The giants in the playoffs! Look at me! I got jokes!
The Cowboys went 12 – 5 and easily won their division. With a 5,000 yard passer, a 1,700 yard rusher, and THREE 1,000 yard receivers, right out of the gate, Dallas took the NFL by storm. Which is why their first round dismantling in the playoffs was so surprising. The 41 – 6 walloping at the hands of QB Joe Flacco, will forever be known in NFL circles as “The Dall-Ass Whipping”.
The Carson Wentz trade didn’t yield the Eagles a first round pick, and QB Jalen Hurtswas so bad that he was benched by Week Nine. Also, Head Coach Nick Sirianni retiring mid-season to join a professional Rochambeau league, didn’t surprise as many people as you’d think.
After which the hapless Eagles managed to rally and stumble into the playoffs as a wild card. At which point they utterly shelled the Cowboys 41 – 6, before losing to Detroit in the second round.
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WASHINGTON Football Team head coach, Riverboat Ron Rivera, announced that Washington’s training camp will feature an open competition for starting QB. This is HILARIOUS, and once again proof that you can take the ‘R’ off the helmet, but you can’t take it outta the team.
Let’s get a look at the competitors in this competition.
Their big free agent addition was QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, to whom they gave a 1 year, 10M$ deal. (The numbers matter, so keep an eye on them. Don’t just glaze over them.) The press has spent the last couple of months, lathering up over the idea of “Fitzmagic” teaming with WR Terry McLaurin. McLaurin himself has also expressed a great deal of exci-
Well fuck all that! It’s a competition, bitches! Ya heard?!
Our next competitor, is Taylor Heinicke. His claim to fame? Not getting blown-out, while losing in the first round of the playoffs. Heinicke has a 2 year deal worth 4.7M$.
Last and certainly least, is Kyle Allen. You may remember him from such disasters as: Trying to replace Cam Newton in Carolina; or trying to steal the starting job from Dwayne Haskins in Washington; or Karma paying his ankle a visit in 2020. He’s been handsomely rewarded for those exploits, with a 1 year, 850K$ deal. And he has a chance to start!
Yeah. Right.
So let me get this straight. Washington is going to give Fitzpatrick 10 mill this year, just so they can start a guy making 8.5% that??! No. Stop. Just… just stop. First of all, that level of stupidity can’t be possible. Even in Washington. Secondly, illegal immigrants are protesting the wage disparity between Fitz and Allen. Many of them think that Allen should sneak into Mexico, to find better opportunities.
This “QB competition” is as bogus as the one in Philadelphia, between QB Jalen Hurts and his back-up Joe Flacco. If Philly finds a way to trade for QB DeShaun Watson, then sure, things could change. Otherwise, unless Jalen hurts, he’s the starter.
Washington is Fitzpatrick’s NINTH team, and he doesn’t have a winning record as the starter of any of the previous eight. His best run was 6 – 6 with Houston, and still, currently he is the best option Washington has.
After last season, Washington fans have had a taste of hope. Now they have expectations. To start Heinicke or Allen at this point, would be inhumane. It would be the equivalent of giving a toddler $500, lighting him on fire, and sending him into Walmart alone, on Black Friday. You’d have no right to expect anything good to come of it.
There is no QB competition. There can’t be. There isn’t a large enough worldwide supply of stupidity, for Washington to fuck up that badly. I hate the Redsk- Football Team, and even I think more of them than that. They gotta make it Fitz. Because nothing else does.
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