New categories include an EXCLUSIVE weekly Offensive Line Report (Rushing TD’s + 3rdand 4thdowns converted of 2 yards or less – Sacks allowed); as well as Drive Killer(Int – FR – 4th down Tackles – FF – TD).
Passing: (S) QB Joe Flacco – (13/16 – 81.2 – 188 – 2 – 0)
I hear you asking, “What about all the stuff that stats don’t reveal?” Well, that’s the reason for these Four Thingsarticles. It’s to point out what we need to address BEFORE the game. Then AFTER the game, there’s a no-bullshit assessment of whether or not the Eagles did any of what they needed to do, to ensure the win.
So how much of what I mentioned in Four Things: Jets did the Eagles actually get around to doing? Well let’s see:
1) Coach for the Win: Instead of trying to guide his starters to a form of victory to get the taste of a win in their mouths, head coach Nick Sirianni decided to continue to evaluate his bench. Maybe that will pay off, if we get hammered with another injury bug. (Not Done)
2) Play the Starters for a Half: Nope! The starters didn’t even wear jerseys without pads. They were on the sidelines in black t-shirts, like Batman henchmen. (Not Done)
3) Death Row Just Watches: Plenty of guys who are going to be cut, stole reps from guys that we may need to contribute if injuries become an issue. This may be viewed as me over-reacting after a third preseason game, but you can’t fake the adrenalin of a real game. Families, friends, and old coaches don’t tune into joint practices. Sirianni had a chance to give that to high level back-ups, and he blew it. (Not Done)
4) Shuffle the Ends: We got the same thing served to us as the last two games. We saw a lot of DE’s Matt Leo and Tarron Jackson. We saw little outside pass rush, and nearly zero run contain. Asking to see OLB’s Genard Avery and Patrick Johnsonget reps at DE remained an ungranted wish. (Not Done)
Again, that’s 0 for 4. Two straight weeks of goose egg, and 2 of 12 this preseason. The result being zero wins. Two weeks from now, I wonder if the Starters will get to play Week One; or if Sirianni will elect to save them for the playoffs. Rock, paper, motherfu-
On The Whole:
Some will see our 31 – 31 tie, and mention this silver lining. We put our bench out against many of the Jets starters, and we didn’t lose. The problem with that is, we got up 24 – 10 and then fell apart 7 – 21, to finish the second half. Not rolling out our best stuff is one thing. Being out-hustled on Special Teams, run over on Defense, and uninspired on Offense, is quite another.
Practice? Sirianni talkin’ ’bout Dual PRACTICE.
At this stage I have no idea where any spirit of competition is supposed to come from. The Starters know that they’re sacred cows, because the back-ups hardly showed anything, across three straight weeks. In fact, the only player looking over his shoulder at this point, might be QBJalen Hurts. Is he the starter yet? I’m kidding! I’m KIDDING! It’s not like the Eagles are going to go out and trade for QB Gardner Minshew. (sigh)
SHOULD we even give a shit?! Sloshing wet behind the ears, rookie head coach Nick Sirianni is under the impression that joint practices are as good as a game. You know who disagrees with that philosophy? Bill Belichick. The same Bill Belichick with six Super Bowl rings, who walked into Lincoln Financial stadium, and waxed Sirianni’s baby-soft ass, 35 to couldn’t even get on the board. Oh, Belichick played his starters, BTW.
A win. A loss. There really doesn’t seem like there’d be any carry-over from this game if the starters sit again. We’ve seen more than enough from the back-ups. What we don’t know, is whether the 22 men who’ll be doing most of the playing, can be better than last year’s 4 wins. Outside of a good showing from those 22, this game will only serve to highlight how badly squandered last week was. Prove us wrong Nick! I dare you.
The point of Four Things isn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics will practically guarantee our Eagles this win. CAUTION: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use FT as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money, and will deserve it when you do.
So let’s talk about the Four Things we need to focus on this week versus the Jets:
1) Coach for the Win:We have yet to see what it looks like when Sirianni is trying to coach his team to a win. As a matter of fact, he has yet to see it either. A dry run would give him a base-line of what he wants to work on within himself, over the course of his rookie season.
As a rookie coach, he’s allowed to suck. This year. So he needs to be about the business of figuring out his evolutionary path, as a head coach. Treat this game like a game. Let’s see if we have a coach.
2) Play the Starters for a half: Chemistry isn’t built by wishing. It’s built by reps. While practice time is valuable, ANY additional reps only help. How often do we talk about players who stick around after everyone else has gone home? Meanwhile we have a head coach who downplays the value of game time.
3) Death Row Watches: Guys who we know aren’t going to make the team, shouldn’t steal reps from those who will. RB Jason Huntley, WR’s J.J. Arcega-Whiteside and Marken Michel, DT Marlon Tuipulotu, and S Blake Countess, are examples of guys who have no business getting any snaps. At least not while the game can still be won.
The guys who are going to make this roster, need those snaps. Don’t let them be stolen by dead men walking.
4) Shuffle the Ends: I get it. The Eagles are looking to rely on DE’s Brandon Graham, Derek Barnett, Josh Sweat and Ryan Kerrigan. So between the four DE’s of Tarron Jackson, Milton Williams, JaQuan Bailey andMatt Leo, there’s probably only one spot left. The team wanted to get a long look at them. Okay. Got plenty of looks. Now let’s see if we can find another actual pass rusher.
We need to get a look at OLB Patrick Johnsonor SLB Genard Avery, lined up at DE on a few third downs. Aside from Johnson, I was not a fan of the Eagles defensive line additions, during the 2021 Draft. I made that abundantly clear in my Draft Report. It’s about time we got a look at him vs the top half of an opposing roster.
If we do these Four Things, win or lose, the coach will have sent the message that it’s time to focus on competing, and getting better as a team. That said, I don’t know how much faith I have in Sirianni doing what needs to be done. It’s why I’ve predicted an Eagles loss in both of the previous games. What I absolutely have faith in, is owner Jeff Lurie putting an arm around young Nick, and telling him “Nick, you’d better win back my %$@#ing fan base. Because wins move merch!”
PREDICTION: EAGLES 20 – Jets 17
Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how it went.
New categories include an EXCLUSIVE weekly Offensive Line Report (Rushing TD’s – 3rdand 4thdowns converted of 2 yards or less – sacks allowed); as well as Drive Killer(Int – FR – 4th down Tackles – FF).
Passing: (S) QB Joe Flacco– (10/17 – 58.8% – 83 – 0 – 1)
I hear you asking, “What about all the stuff that stats don’t reveal?” Well, that’s the reason for the Four Things articles. It’s to point out what we need to address BEFORE the game. Then AFTER the game, there’s a no-bullshit assessment of whether or not the Eagles did any of what they needed to do, to ensure the win.
So how much of what I mentioned in Four Things: Patriots, did the Eagles get around to doing? Well let’s see:
1) Run the ball:The play selection this week was 27 passes to 17 non-QB runs. That play-calling is 61.3% pass to 38.7% run. The hope was for 43% at least. The result is that we didn’t keep the defense honest. As a result they pinned their ears back, and hunted our QBs to the tune of 4 sacks.
The idea was that the extra running would loosen the focus on QBJalen Hurts. It would allow him room to operate, and thus make him more dangerous. However, with him going to a hospital with a case of the shits, no amount of running would have helped him in this game. (NOT DONE)
2) Rotate, rotate, rotate: The rotation of the Defensive Line was better this week, but it still wasn’t great. Also, at one point, LB Alex Singletonrepeatedly looked to the sideline and patted his helmet, to let them know he needed a breather. This is unacceptable. Gassed players will not/cannot, reliably make plays. This inattention to defensive player stamina, has to get fixed. If not, we’re going to give up a lot of cheap touchdowns. It will get us destroyed this year.
Like it did in this game. (NOT DONE)
3) Sit the Flacco Down: Flacco started. Even worse, he got more passing plays called for him, than QB Nick Mullens did. This is despite Mullens coming into the game, already down three scores. (NOT DONE)
4) Unleash the blitz: The only way we could have gotten less pressure on Patriot QB’s, would have been to help block for them. No one on our D-line was able to get within a $20 cab ride of the opposing passers. So of course we dialed up clever blitzes, right? RIGHT?! Not at all. (NOT DONE)
So that’s us, doing goose egg out of Four Things this week. Next week we get the Jets, in their house, and I’m afraid.
I’m not afraid of the Jets. I’m afraid of watching another exhibition game devolve into another shit show, because this coaching staff has it in for the fans here.
On The Whole:
To eloquently quote Steve Coogan in ‘Hamlet2’:
Remember when I told you that Head Coach Nick Sirianni’s talk about “competition” was a lie? Well it’s pretty hard for players to compete, when they don’t even have to play a single snap. Or for fuck’s sake, even put on their pads! Like I said, Siranni’s line about competition… It was total bullshit, wasn’t it?
When a team finishes 4 – 11 – 1, nobody on the roster is good enough to sit out a preseason game. Especially when breaking in new systems. At this point I don’t know which I’m more displeased by, the players inability to win downs, or the coaching staff appearing clueless, over-matched and inept at every turn.
WHILE our Offensive Starters didn’t get in the end zone, our Defensive Starters didn’t allow a trip to the end zone. In fact, our first half play looked very good considering that it was Head Coach Nick Sirianni’s debut, and Pittsburgh wasn’t playing in their first game of the preseason.
Hopefully in this game, we’ll work on a rushing attack that we left largely explored, last week. The play selection was 29 passes to 10 non-QB rushes. That’s 74.3% pass, for those who want an early read on Sirianni’s attack philosophy.
In year’s past, there were four preseason games. Now there are just three. In the past, Starters played the most in Game Three. Now it’ll likely be in Game Two. That means if we’re going to win one of these, this next one is the one that will have the most “meaning”, because it’ll give us the largest glimpse of our best vs an opponent’s best. Like this!
Even though preseason games are meaningless, I want this game. I didn’t care what happened last week, and I won’t care how next week shakes out. But this one? I want this one. I’m putting that out there, right now.
The point of Four Things isn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics will practically guarantee our Eagles this win. CAUTION: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use FT as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money, and will deserve it when you do.
So let’s talk about the Four Things we need to focus on this week versus the Patriots:
1) Run the ball: QB Jalen Hurts looked solid last week. Not great. Not stellar. Solid. To really unleash him and make him dangerous, the Eagles ground game has to come alive. We need to give the opposing defense an entire offense to worry about. While 60/40 run pass split would be ideal, even a 43/57 split would show that the Eagles brain trust is as least as dialed in as I am.
2) Rotate, rotate, rotate: For fuck’s sake, rotate our goddamned line! Last week Defensive Coordinator Jonathan Gannonessentially gave away the game, by refusing to rotate his obviously gassed, defensive linemen in the second half. The result was that our defense got run over.
If Gannon owns a pair of balls, he’ll be embarrassed by what his coaching put on tape. At the very least, linemen should be subbed out two at a time. For example: Rotate in a DT along with a DE. We have 7 DT’s, and we only start 2. That’s 5 subs. We have 6 healthy DE’s. We only start 2. That’s 4 subs. We have the manpower. Get this done!
3) Sit the Flacco Down: We already know what QB Joe Flacco is. He doesn’t need extensive work to be a #2. Hurts on the other hand needs a half, since he likely won’t play next week. Third string QB Nick Mullen however, needs to show that last week (1 – 5 – 20.0% – 4 – 0 – 2) was an aberration. If he bombs this week, the Eagles are almost guaranteed not to carry three QB’s on the active roster; and they may even look elsewhere for a Practice Squader.
4) Unleash the Blitz: The Eagles refrained from blitzing last week. So much so that the announcer kept bringing it up. That can’t happen this week. Our players need to get a feel for how the gaps develop, how long they last, or if any of them have a “tell”, etc. Those things only come with reps against top-shelf talent.
Guys like OLB Genard Averyand rookie OLB Patrick Johnson, are known for rushing passers. Let’s turn these guys loose.
If we do these Four Things, this game will show the NFL that the Eagles are scary underdogs this year. REALLY scary underdogs.
Mike Tomlin last week, and now Patriots coach Bill Belichik. While Belichik is more than a match for our rookie head man, I feel fortunate that Sirianni is getting this baptism by fire, this early in his career. That said, neither Bill nor Nick, will line up on Thursday night.
Talent for talent, I don’t see that New England is better than we are. In fact, I think we hold decisive advantages along both of our lines. We also have more explosive skill players. Especially given the fact that the Patriots feel that adding CB Jalen Mills to their secondary made them stronger.
If the Eagles do what they should, we win this in a walk.
PREDICTION: EAGLES 20 – Patriots 17
Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how it went.
New categories include a weekly Offensive Line Report(Rushing TD’s – 3rddowns converted of 2 yards or less on the ground – sacks allowed); as well as Drive Killer(Int – FR – 4th down Tackles – FF).
I hear you asking, “What about all the stuff that stats don’t reveal?” Well, that’s the reason for the Four Things articles. It’s to point out what we need to address BEFORE the game. Then AFTER the game, there’s a no-bullshit assessment of whether or not the Eagles did any of what they needed to do, to ensure the win.
So how much of what I mentioned in Four Things: Steelersdid the Eagles get around to doing? Well let’s see:
1) Simple Communication: At no point did the Eagles starters, seem out of sync with each other. There were points where there were lapses in execution, but given how new the systems are, it’s far too early to make that into a real complaint. (DONE)
2) Bring the Violence: OLBAlex Singleton and S Anthony Harris came to lay the lumber! Everyone else…not so much. Maybe we’ll see more ill will next week. (NOT DONE)
3) Have a Ball: We managed just one take-away all game long. Worse yet, the time of possession, felt like we had the ball for just 10 of the 60 minutes in the game. (NOT DONE)
4) Shelve the cute shit: The play-calling was very vanilla. Playing the game straight-up, allowed us to take a real assessment of our big men in the trenches. (DONE)
So we did 2 of the 4, and it clearly wasn’t enough. Next week we should get a longer look at our starters, vs a 1 – 0 New England team that just handed Washington one of these:
On The Whole:
Our starters looked much sharper than I was anticipating. Especially given that Pittsburgh had already played a preseason game. As the game wore on, our Defensive Line wore out visibly. Why there wasn’t any substitution, is totally beyond me. That said, instead of harping on negatives, using this game to emphasize positives, would likely go much much farther, in terms of player development.
WE’RE about to get our first look at Head Coach Nick Sirianni’s vision for the Eagles. The 2021 edition will be sporting a new look Offense aaand Defense. That means any expectations have to be set entirely to the side, until we have some idea of what the team does and doesn’t do, well.
Being a preseason game, we all know that the wins and losses don’t blah blah blah. But that’s just officially speaking. Even getting a preseason win under his belt, would give Sirianni something to hang his hat on, during meetings and film study.
While in a loss, he could point the finger at certain players; in a win, he can heap reward on certain players. For players trying to win roster spots or starting jobs in August, the carrot is a far better motivator than the stick. There is no carrot without winning this game.
The point of Four Things isn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics will practically guarantee our Eagles this win. CAUTION: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use FT as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money, and will deserve it when you do.
So let’s talk about the Four Things we need to focus on this week versus Pittsburgh:
1) Simple Communication: It will be interesting to see how often an Eagles QB throws to an area where there is no receiver. Or how often a hand-off is poorly executed. It will be interesting to see who calls the signals on Defense, and how responsive surrounding players are to those calls.
The Eagles have to keep things simple, and make sure they are on the same page. This is the first preseason game. While a win would feel nice and be worth some coaching capital, there is nothing smart about pulling out all the stops for a preseason win. Keep it simple. Communicate clearly.
2) Bring the violence: Pittsburgh isn’t still a “pound the rock and iron defense” type of team, but they carried that rep for so long, that they still sort of benefit from it. We can use that. Bringing the pain on tackles, will put the NFL on notice.
Listen, it’s a lot easier to cover a WR on a Crossing route, if he’s spending half of it looking for a FS. Lapses in his concentration means drops, rounded routes, “Alligator Arms”, and other things. So send the message during this preseason: In 2021, the fastest way through Philadephia’sDefense, is in an ambulance.
3) Have A Ball: Across the NFL over the last 5 seasons (2016 – 2020), there have been 86 defensive safeties. That’s just 17.2 per season, among 32 teams. The rest of the scoring is done via touchdowns and field goals, both of which require physical possession of the football. If the opponent doesn’t have it, they generally can’t score. So go get ball. When we do get ball, keep ball. Move ball. Score ball. None of this is complicated. DO THIS.
4) Shelve the Cute Shit: Every team likes to run trick and gadget plays. Offensive coaches live to show us all how smart they are. Well, save it for after our Offense has the basics down. More than that, let’s show teams that we can win in a straightforward manner. Winning the division would be nice, but HOW we win it, forecasts how far we can go in the postseason.
If we do these Four Things, the Eagle should win in a walk.
As we saw against the Cowboys in the Hall of Fame game, Pittsburgh is also trying to figure things out. While QB Ben Roethlisberger didn’t play in that game (so their offense struggled), he also didn’t play in that game (so this is his first taste of a new system). Sauce for the goose.
Still, Steelers coach Mike Tomlin knows his players and how to guide them. Sirianni is entering his first engagement as the leader of an NFL team. If the Eagles talent takes over this game, it could get ugly for Pittsburgh. That said, if it comes down to coaching, expect Tomlin to take our rookie to school. In fact, maybe we should hope that he does.
PREDICTION: EAGLES 13 – Steelers 20
Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how it went.
TRAINING Camp arrived today! While most fans have been waiting to get a glimpse of the players, I’ve been dying to get a look at the systems we’ll be running. Of course we won’t get a real glimpse of the Defensive system until probably the third preseason game. Still, I’ll be looking for big changes in our coverage of opposing receivers.
I’m actually very excited about that.
Aside from that, I don’t really know what we can reasonably expect from this year’s camp. All that talk of open competition throughout the roster was bullshit from the jump; and I told you that it was, in plain and unbroken.
There are 22 starting positions between the Offense and the Defense, and the only spots truly up for grabs are LT, WR2, and maybe, maybe, MLB. Everything else has either been decided by, or confirmed by, economics.
The battle for LT between multi-year project Jordan Mailata, and 2019 first round pick Andre Dillard, should be a lot of fun to watch, as they bring two different approaches to the contest. Mailata raw size and power, and Dillard The two of them seem quietly determined to put the other guy on the bench. If iron truly sharpens iron, then the result should produce an excellent blindside protector for QB Jalen Hurts.
It’s already been said that WR Jalen Reagor would be operating mostly out of the Slot this season. Greg Ward is reliable, but lacks the speed to threaten deep; and while John Hightowerhas shown impressive wheels and an ability to uncover, his catch rate (34.5%) makes him impossible to take seriously as candidate to start.
That makes last year’s leading receiver Travis Fulgham, the odds-on favorite to be starter opposite rookie WR Devonta Smith. It needs to be said, with the amount of speed the Eagles have stockpiled at WR, especially when the back-ups are in, Jalen Hurts on a scramble drill could be lethal if he can improve his accuracy.
The MLB position is a toss-up. In our 4-3 base, that job belongs to T.J. Edwards right now. When we go to the Nickle or Dime, Edwards comes off the field. Then again so would most MLB’s. Second year man Shaun Bradley has more footspeed, but Edwards has better eyes and instincts, and he plays under more control. We’ll have to see how it plays out in Camp. Provided the job is truly even up for grabs.
Despite all the turnover this offseason, there really isn’t much to see, if you step back and view the big picture. The Eagles coaching staff doesn’t know enough about themselves as a group, to draw any definite lines in the sand about what must be done or how. This year is a lab for everybody. Both players and coaches.
Word to the wise:
This is not the most talented team in the NFL, but it does have a collection of young, explosive players on Offense. People are questioning whether those players will live up to their high ceilings. However, that question is an admission of multiple high ceilings.
The Defense has a few older players on it, but overall they are in their primes, and have been there, seen that. This is not a group that will get rattled easily. Even in games when we fall behind early.
While it would be silly to expect this team to win the NFC East this season, it would be equally as foolish to write them off. There is still a proven core of veterans who know how to motivate each other, hold themselves and each other accountable, and more importantly overcome adversity.
This team is a broad sword, not a scalpel. It’s roster is designed to either overwhelm with physical traits; or present match-up puzzles that defy classic solutions. This is not a finesse team. It’s built to be a brawler. That said, if the brawler can actually take a punch or two…the entire NFC, not just the East, could have a problem on its hands.
AFTER weeks of speculation over whether we would, the Philadelphia Eagles have finally signed free agent CB Steve Nelson, formerly of the Steelers and the Chiefs. One of the loudest voices trying to lure him here, was CB Darius Slay. By most peoples calculations (and Slay’s), this should give the Eagles a shutdown duo. Especially with the coming changes to the defensive scheme.
I do however, have a couple of questions. Why were we able sign him? Why only a 1 year, 4M$ deal? Many Eagles fans will say “Shut up! Just take the gift!”, but I’m not wired like that. I crave knowledge. I didn’t see any stories about him being arrested or anything like that. So maybe he’s not a great locker room guy? I dunno.
Nelson is just 28, has been durable, and started a ton. He’s also been moved on from, twice in his career. The two coaches to do so, were Andy Reid and Mike Tomlin, respectively. Those are not coaches known for giving up on players. Especially promising ones.
For some reason though, he’d just been sitting in free agency limbo since March. While a few teams were kicking the tires, it was reported that they (and the Eagles), had reservations about paying him north of 3M$ per year.
Honestly, 3M per year for CB with Nelson’s resume, doesn’t seem that expensive to me. The idea of being able to negate a 20M$ WR with a 3M$ CB, strikes me as a win. What confuses me, is now that the leap has been made, why only one year? Why the lack of commitment? Why are we still not sold on him?
When General Manager Howie Roseman inked Slay last year, it was for 3 years, 50M$, with 26M guaranteed. Slay was 29, had been durable, and started a ton.
Despite Nelson ticking those same boxes, his deal has me wondering why the Eagles didn’t try to lock him down, before he plays his way into a more lucrative deal.
It’s not like there’s going to be an open competition for the spot, because he’ll plenty of opportunity to shine. Nelson and Slay (barring injury), are your starters at CB in 2021. This is the reality. The Eagles aren’t spending 4 mil on a guy, to watch him ride pine.
Rookie CB Zech MacPherson may get to challenge for the spot in 2022, but any fantasies he entertained of winning a starting role in 2021, are officially dead. Still, I’ll be keeping an eye on how Nelson gels with his teammates. Especially with everyone predicting that we’ll have a rough season.
OVER the decades, Eagles fans are used to hearing “I believe we can win with the guys in this locker room.” We’ve also heard (with regard to wish list free agents), “We’re not thinking about anyone who’s not on this roster.” As Eagles fans we’re used to quotes like that. Which makes what CB Darius Slay is doing, stick out so much.
Slay has been campaigning for weeks now, to bring in free agent CB Steve Nelson. Let’s clear something up right away. I’m not saying that Slay is wrong to want to add Nelson. I think Nelson is better than every Eagles CB aside from Slay. There is no doubting that he would be an upgrade in talent.
However, unlike Slay, I’m not on the Eagles roster. There is no way for Slay to say that Nelson should be the other starting CB, without saying that CB Avonte Maddox should take a seat. Jumping up and down and shouting for a free agent, is not a vote of confidence in Maddox. In fact, it’s saying that Slay doubts that Maddox can get the job done.
It’s a slick way of calling Maddox trash, without repeatedly brushing his feet with a broom. For weeks now, I’ve sat back and waited for the local media to ask “Did Slay call Maddox, trash?” As usual they ducked the obvious story, for fear they’d ruffle feathers. (See what I did there?)
So I’m here asking the question. Did Slay-
ULTERIOR MOTIVE ALERT! ULTERIOR MOTIVE ALERT!
Okay, okay. I only asked that question, to ask a more important one. If Eagles players can openly call Maddox trash, how far is that honesty allowed to roam? Let me give you some examples:
Is anyone going to call out C Jason Kelce and G Isaac Seumalo for ending up in a QB’s lap too often? At what point can teammates tell WR Jalen Reagor that his routes should be as well run as his mouth? Is it okay to say, that when he starts, QB Jalen hurts the Offense? (See what I did there? Don’t act like you didn’t like it!)
I say this because we are at the beginning of a new culture here. Players baptizing each other is over and out the door. That went away with OCFrank Reich, TE Trey Burton, QB Nick Foles, QB Carson Wentz, and HC Doug Pederson. This is a new locker room. And for their opening trick, we have a player ever so slyly, being thrown under a bus.
Honestly, where else could you go, to get such a no bullshit perspective, like this? Admit it. I spoil you.
LOOK at that! The Bengals have converted their field from grass to mattresses. Not only has it already improved the look of their stadium, but their owner thinks it will extend, or at least not keep shortening, the lifespan of QB Joe Burrow. The team is also asking the league to allow Burrow to wear several pillows duct taped to his helmet. It’s either that or spend the money to protect him.
Steelers LB T.J. Watt increased his sack total for the third straight year in a row. Due to notching 16.5 sacks, he continues to be above criticism. This is despite sporting a missed tackle percentage of over 10 percent, in every season of his career. If only there were some sort of clue about how to fix the defense…
The carriage turned back into a pumpkin, and the horses turned back into rats, as the Browns returned to reality and went 3 – 14 this year.
Somewhere out there is a desperate Browns fan, carrying a clear, platform shoe, and searching for Princess Odell.
Ravens K Justin Tucker’s rap/opera album “Come Kick It Wit’ Me” shot to the top of the Italian pop music charts this year. Sighting how he didn’t need this “NFL boll sheed no mo’ ”, Tucker announced his retirement. After which he flipped the double-bird, as he rode away barefoot in a kiddie pool, which was situated in the bed of an El Camino. There was no water in the pool.
NFC NORTH!
Raise your hand if you predicted the Lions going 14 – 3, getting a first round bye, and winning it all.
“It’s better than drinkable water!” was how one fan described the Detroit Lions Super Bowl parade. Thousands of fans came out to celebrate and cheer their team, not long before tens of thousands of muggers descended on both the fans and the players. The car-jacking of a parade float would be the low-point of the day, and perhaps the lowest in all of American history.
After a just barely failing to qualify for a wild card berth, a 9 – 8 Minnesota team is still unsure if they’re a bad team that frequently overachieves, or a good team that chokes at the slightest sign of true relevance.
As Chicago continues their search for a passer, Bears QB Justin Fields was traded to Buffalo for QB Mitch Trubisky. One Chicago football fan said “Eh, it’s good we went an’got a veteran quarterback now, ‘cause Fields played like a rookie. I mean, why din’t he just look at what Tommy Bradley does in Tampa, then come right out and copy exactly what he saw?How hard could dat be, right?? Anyways, Trubisky sounds like a good Polish name. It feels familiar. I like it.”
After another implosion in the second round of the playoffs, QB Aaron Rodgers is continuing to act like he’s doing Packers fans a favor, by allowing them to overpay him millions more than he’s ever truly deserved. Perhaps Green Bay should have double checked for a discount.
AFC WEST!
After not allowing fans in to SoFi Stadium at all in 2020, the LA Chargers opened their arms to their loyal, fickle, frequently disinterested fan base. In a stadium that seats 70,000, the Chargers drew an average of 28,000 to their games. Somewhere the ghost of Al Davis is laughing so hard, that he’s gasping for air.
Despite being heavily favored by odds-makers, the Raiders Super Bowl loss continues to confound people. Suddenly retired Raider QB Derek Carr, could not be reached for comment as he was out on his yacht. The gold one, not the one made entirely out of stacks of money. His agent Pete Rose also declined comment.
The Chiefs were expected to have a more difficult road, but no one thought they’d miss the playoffs. As a disciplinary measure for yet another violation of team player conduct policy, Andy Reid ate WR Tyreek Hill, prior to the final game of the preseason. When asked if he regretted having eaten the WR, coach Reid responded “Listen, you’d expect athlete meat to be tough, but Tyreek, he was something special. Didn’t even need a marinade. Wait. What was the question?”
The Denver Broncos are trying to decide whether to screw over either another old RB, or another young QB, during this offseason. Either way, it will most certainly cripple the team’s offense next year. Their fans of course, will again feel like they’ve been stabbed directly in the face, when the team spends their top pick on a WR.
NFC WEST!
The 49ers, who paid QB Jimmy Garoppolo 26M$ to sit and watch rookie QB Trey Lance have an up and down year, will still owe Garoppolo 27M$ next year. Worse yet, they likely have to endure at least one more year with him on the roster, as he won’t waive his no-trade clause. That is, unless he gets an offer he likes, from a team that won’t mind him throwing with his eyes closed. Still, the defense was good enough for the team to post a 10 – 7 record.
Seattle RB Rashaad Penny was surprised to learn that the team is declining to pick up his 5th year option. Penny was selected in the first round of the 2018 Draft, but didn’t get his first start until 2021. In that game, he had one carry for 8 broken tackles, and a 63 yard touchdown. It also resulted in a torn hamstring which ended his season. Tore it right off the bone! When asked whether Penny is “a bust”, GM John Schneider, shrieked, burst into tears, and attempted to answer questions. He however, couldn’t be understood through his high-pitched, racking sobs. Seattle predictably bowed out in the second round of the playoffs.
No matter how much talent Arizona adds, sub .500 is the best God will allow. In other news, QB Kyler Murray married the dancing hula girl on the dash board of J.J. Watt’s car.
It was a beautiful ceremony. When Murray stood on a chair to kiss his bride, there wasn’t a dry eye to be seen, according to Stevie Wonder, who was told that he was in attendance.
The Rams added a ton of weapons in the offseason, but neglected to help their offensive line. This led to QB Matt Stafford being lost for the year in Week Two, and also left the run game stuck in neutral since the preseason. Give you one guess what they’ll be taking with their first round pick this year. Oh wait! They won’t have a first rounder this year. Or next year. Dopes.
AFC SOUTH!
After partially tearing the meniscus in his right knee in training camp, it was quickly thought by both QB Carson Wentz and the Colts front office, that the smartest thing would be for Carson to just rest, relax and let that tear take 3 to 5 months to heal on its own. While the Eagles paid him 34 million dollars.
Though Wentz played only half the season, taking just under 50% of the snaps, the Colts almost rallied to make the playoffs, going 7 – 1 with Wentz starting. Pretty smart trade. Especially since Wentz didn’t count against the Colts 2021 salary cap.
On a roster that features RB’s David Johnson, Mark Ingram, and Phillip Lindsay, you probably would never guess who led the team in rushing yards. It was Texans QB Tyrod Taylor, who spent the season running for his goddamned life. In the hopes of not suffering another punctured lung, Taylor racked up a career best 836 yards. Meanwhile, R. Kelly is alleging that QB Deshaun Watson inappropriately… (No. I’m going to draw a line here. Gotta preserve a little class.)
WE WILL SUCK YOUR DICK!!!! That’s the Jaguars latest promotion to get people to come to the stadium. Lord knows no one wants to watch them play football. Look at all the upgrades! Super-fast WiFi, an impressive sound system, they put in a party deck, a pool… They’ve done everything they can to avoid improving the team. Now the team has executives slobbing knobs. And they’re all so bad at it! C’mon folks! More spit, less teeth. This is basic stuff!
The Titans were the favorite to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, until QB Ryan Tannehill tore his Achilles in Week One, and QB DeShone Kizer “Soze” stepped in and killed the whole team. Kizer continued the 0 – 15 magic that he had in Cleveland, going 0 – 7 before being benched for QB Logan Woodside… who then promptly tore his ACL, meaning that Kizer would come back out, and finish the season. Kizer went 0 – 15 (again), even though he also lost the two games started by other QB’s.
NFC SOUTH.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have increased their reward for information about head coach Bruce Arian’s whereabouts. Police are looking at DT Ndamukong Suh as a person of interest because, well… Because he’s fucking Ndamukong Suh! I mean come on!
With the retirement of QB Drew Brees last year, the Saints 6 – 11 season shows that they have gone back to being the hapless, talent squandering, afterthoughts that have historically always been. Fans are taking it well, saying that their relevance was nice while it lasted.
The Falcons 5 – 12 record was predicted immediately after they traded WR Julio Jones to Tennessee last year. For a team with no defense, keeping Jones to go with their other weapons, would have made outscoring opponents easy. But Atlanta said “Fuck that!” and thew their easy button out of a tenth floor window. Nowwww look at them. Just look. SMDH.
Panthers RB Christian McCaffrey spent this season being 25 going on 35. Bouncing back from an injury, while being the focal point of an offense, with a QB trying to re-hab himself from having been a Jet, did no favors for McCaffrey. His 663 yards in 10 starts, will likely have the Panthers spending yet another late round draft pick on a RB, who is ill-suited to ever being a starter. Or a contributor. These guys just can’t learn.
AFC EAST!
The NFL finally made good on its threat to banish the Jets, who can no longer be referred to, as a “professional” football team. As the NCAA has not yet agreed to take them, the Jets have no official league designation yet. The CFL hasn’t offered a verbal or written response as to whether the Jets can seek asylum in Canada. However, the CFL’s pursed lips and side-eye, have offered a very strong hint about where they stand on the issue.
Bill Belichick has coached his last game for the Patriots. He is expected to take the job in Tampa Bay, after coach Bruce Arians suddenly went missing. QB Tom Brady is telling Congress that they cannot search his house.
Buffalo WR and anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley is recovering from the Delta variant of Covid-19. Luckily his access to the best medical treatment that NFL money can buy, put the odds for a full recovery, heavily in his favor. His wife Krystin however, was not an NFL employee. Get vaccinated.
After having changed his name from Jomal Wiltz to Jamal Perry in 2020, the IRS caught up with the Dolphins CB anyway. This goes to show, if you’re going to change your name, do it before you’re on television at least 17 times a year.
NFC EAST!!!
For the second year in a row, Washington won 7 games! While their 8 losses are fewer than the 9 from a year ago, their 2 ties offer little in the way of optimism. Because of that, there is currently a split in their fan base. Half of their fans argue that the 7 – 8 – 2 team, is an 8 – 8 team (“Because two half wins, equals one whole one. Dummy!”). Meanwhile, other half of their fan base sees the team as 7 – 8, and thus improved over 7 – 9 (“Because thems two ties cancels theyselves out. Stupid!”). Either way, the rest of us just see a degenerate, losing team that missed the playoffs.
The giants didn’t have to depend on a division rival to get to the playoffs this year, because they used StubHub! They got a great price, on great seats, and watched the Lions model the sort of franchise New York hopes to become. Maybe next year the giants won’t go 5 – 12, and they’ll qualify for a playoff berth on their own. Hey! The giants in the playoffs! Look at me! I got jokes!
The Cowboys went 12 – 5 and easily won their division. With a 5,000 yard passer, a 1,700 yard rusher, and THREE 1,000 yard receivers, right out of the gate, Dallas took the NFL by storm. Which is why their first round dismantling in the playoffs was so surprising. The 41 – 6 walloping at the hands of QB Joe Flacco, will forever be known in NFL circles as “The Dall-Ass Whipping”.
The Carson Wentz trade didn’t yield the Eagles a first round pick, and QB Jalen Hurtswas so bad that he was benched by Week Nine. Also, Head Coach Nick Sirianni retiring mid-season to join a professional Rochambeau league, didn’t surprise as many people as you’d think.
After which the hapless Eagles managed to rally and stumble into the playoffs as a wild card. At which point they utterly shelled the Cowboys 41 – 6, before losing to Detroit in the second round.
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