HELP! Somebody, help me! I don’t understand this, and I don’t know if it’s because I got old or what. Perhaps senility is kicking in before my 41^st birthday, but there’s a part of this Nelson Agholor rape investigation that has me so confused. First I’ll do the facts and then get to the part that confuses me.

According to preliminary reports, the rape allegation stems from a dispute over money between Agholor and the stripper who accused him. Reports are that they went into a private room for a $1400 private “dance”, but that the stripper left shortly afterward. Agholor paid her only 800 of the 1400 they’d previously agreed upon. Those are the facts so far.

Now the part that confuses me. What could she have done that was worth $800, that should have been worth $1400?!

I realize that I’m an old fart, and that my feelings on strip joints may be precluding me from having certain pieces of information. However, I’m pretty sure the private “dance” Agholor was paying for wasn’t “The Running Man” or a ballet routine. The idea was that she was going to wang dang his doodle.

As someone not new to sex, let me tell you something. Even if some woman could fuck me blind, cripple and crazy, I’m still not shelling out $1400 for a single Porkfest. I’m not saying that it should buy you multiple dips of your dork. I’m saying that young Nelson needs to apply himself and meet a nice young lady who…Eh maybe not. But he should get out there and find himself a freaky for his deaky, that he can settle down with. That way he can keep his dumb ass out of situations where he’s getting accused of rape, because he shortchanged a dancing hooker by $600 for a $1400 fuck that he could (in all likelihood), have gotten anywhere else.

Dear Nelson Agholor, you’re an NFL player. Meeting women CAN’T be that hard for you. Paying for ass is a crime in itself. Learn a lesson here. Oh, by the way: If you are less focused on emptying balls, you might catch more than 23 of them this year.