GENERALLY I don’t do interviews. Since I’m not an actual journalist, I usually can’t get direct access to athletes, coaches, general managers and owners of sports teams. The idea of talking to a fan with a “blog or whatever” doesn’t hold much appeal for people who already have large distribution media hanging on their every word.
As it happened however, on Saint Patrick’s Day, I managed to get into a liquor fueled shoving match with a guy, after he spilled his drinks on himself. He was walking backwards, carrying two drinks and shouting across the room. While it’s true that I was doing the same thing, I didn’t spill my drinks. So as you can see, that shit was totally HIS fault.
After my fingers were pried from his throat, I found out that he’s a lesser known figure in pro football. When I told him that I had a site, he asked if I wanted to interview him. To which I said. “Fuck. Why not?”
His name is Eugene Nicks, and he wants to start an AAF (Alliance of American Football) team here in Philadelphia.
To this point the AAF has not contacted him, and he has several theories on why that is.
BEAST: First of all, I want to thank you for agreeing to this interview, and for dropping the charges.
EUGENE: I never said I was dropping the charges.
BEAST: Fair enough. Okay Eugene-
EUGENE: Mr. Nicks.
BEAST: Fair enough. Alright dude, why do you think the AAF hasn’t contacted you?
EUGENE: (Points to his MAGA hat) I think they’re worried about public perception, with their league being so young. Especially after what happened with Kaepernick and the Pledge of Allegiance.
BEAST: Yeah, no. It wasn’t the- You know what? Neverm- You said there were several reasons?
EUGENE: With Philly being home to like what is it 5, 8 million people?
BEAST: One point six.
EUGENE: Nooooo. It’s bigger than that. Gotta be. Gotta be. Know what? The number isn’t important. The point is that the market here is huge! The AAF should have a presence here, if they want to survive. But they don’t want a guy like me, because I have a history of telling the truth. Because I bring up subjects that make people uncomfortable.
BEAST: Subjects like?
EUGENE: Reparations for White people. I belong to certain groups that strongly believe we White people are owed for our contributions towards the development of Black athletes. I’m not saying that slavery was good, but there were, how can I say…unintended benefits, of that institution. Through a couple hundred years of selective breeding, Whites were able to create a race of super-athletes. Blacks have capitalized on that, and have made millionaires out of people with no other discernible skill or ability, beyond what we gifted them.
BEAST: Holy shit, dude.
EUGENE: There’s also the letter I wrote, saying that it’s in the leagues best interest to get an early handle on the salary issues. To make sure that we keep control of the plantation, so to speak.
BEAST: Plantation? Seriously? Are you- Seriously? Surely you’re aware that your rhetoric is overtly racist. Of course the AAF wants no part of you.
EUGENE: Racist? You say potato, I say potato.
BEAST: You just said “potato” the same way twice.
EUGENE: My racism isn’t even their biggest issue with me. It’s my insistence that we introduce new elements into the game. To help differentiate us from the NFL.
BEAST: New elements might be good. What kind of new elements?
EUGENE: Animals. The ball should be a cat, and you should have to get that cat, safely into the end zone. If the cat ends up dead, the team loses the game then and there. If the cat is just injured, it’s a penalty. A healthy cat makes it into the end zone, it’s 6 points. There would be no concussions because you couldn’t tackle too hard. And there would always be an element of chance to every game, because with the ball fighting to get away, the turnovers would be impossible to plan for. And of course players wouldn’t be allowed to wear any wrist or forearm protection. Gotta give the ball a fair chance to get away, right? Plus you’d have to be careful on the recovery of a fumble, because again, squished cat equals dead cat. Dead cat equals loss. So imagine what the bottom of a pile would look like!
BEAST: I can’t believe, I’m entertaining this, but… What about the passing game?
EUGENE: Can you imagine the fear in a wide receiver’s eyes as he worried about the hit AND being clawed up by the ball as it hissed and yowled through the air?
BEAST: People can’t throw a cat 30 yards!!
EUGENE: For enough money, and with enough vodka in their system, people will sure as hell try. That’s my other innovation. We’d replace water with vodka. Cramps, dehydration, bloody scratches, screaming cats twisting through the air… Drunk players stumbling everywhere, terrified of hitting each other, but still trying to… Tell me you wouldn’t pay to see that.
BEAST: I wouldn’t pay to see that.
EUGENE: Then you my friend, would be missing out.
BEAST: Don’t call me your friend.
EUGENE: Then you good buddy, would be missing out.
For those who’ve made it this far, let me just say APRIL FOOLS!
Love you folks! THE 12, starts tomorrow.
*Note: Shout out to Philly Sports Zone, for having a picture I could use as click bait, and being a media voice who actually has the “Philly Accent”. Most Philadelphian’s don’t have it, and we get sick of hearing about it. But it was interesting to hear football being broken down by a guy who does have it.