PERENNIAL laughingstock. That’s the best way to describe the team formerly known as the Redskins. Every year for the last quarter century, you fans get geeked up in September, only to end up moaning “We’ll get ‘em next year.” by mid-October.
And as if that wasn’t bad enough, this year, owner Dan Snyder renamed your team “The Washington Football Team”. In one fell swoop, he literally turned your fan base into a fucking Abbott and Costello routine. It’s hilarious! I have to love it.
JOURNALIST: So sir, who is your favorite football team?
FAN: Football Team.
JOURNALIST: Yes. Who is your favorite?
FAN: The Football Team.
JOURNALIST: Yes, but which one?
FAN: That one!
JOURNALIST: Which one?!
FAN: The Football Team!
All across America, there are probably thousands of conversations just like that, going on every day. Fans who know your team is doing something stupid, yet trying desperately to defend it anyway. Which I suppose is habit by now for Washington fans.
JOURNALIST: Sir it’s a simple question. Which football team is your favorite?
FAN: I’m a fan of the Football Team!
JOURNALIST: From which city?
FAN: Technically they don’t represent a city.
JOURNALIST: Okay then. Which state?
FAN: It’s not really a state either.
That’s true by the way. The District of Columbia is a federal district. It technically neither a city, nor a state. Like the Redskins who technically do, but don’t have a name. They exist in a perpetual state of “Yeah, but not really. Absolutely, but not at all.”
I’m also enjoying how suddenly “woke” you all are, while still trying to justify what you’re now woke about. That irony is rich enough classify as a dessert.
JOURNALIST: Who owns your favorite team?
FAN: Dan Snyder.
JOURNALIST: Wait! You’re a Redskins fan?
FAN: Don’t call them the Redskins! That name is racist.
JOURNALIST: How long did you root for them?
FAN: All my life! Thirty-two years.
JOURNALIST: And the name just became racist?
FAN: Once they changed it, yeah. Fuck that name.
JOURNALIST: But it was okay before they changed it?
FAN: Oh yeah! Got it tattooed on my chest here. Over my heart.
JOURNALIST: And until then, you didn’t care how Native Americans felt?
FAN: Who?
JOURNALIST: Native Americans.
FAN: Which team is that? What city do they come from?
JOURNALIST: They’re indigenous people…
FAN: Indigestion?
JOURNALIST: You used to call them Redskins!
FAN: HAIL! I mean, fuck them! I mean, fuck that name! I mean, go Football Team! Hey-yah, hey-yah!
This is what you’ve been reduced to. This is what you’ve become. Remember being proud? Yeah, that’s in the past now. You’re the Geoffrey Owens of football fans. And do you know the BEST part? Still, in all of this, you all actually think your team has a shot at winning the division. That is SO cute!
You guys should start small. Focus on developing a QB who finishes games before he starts taking pictures with the crowd. Focus on not running off a Pro Bowl caliber LT. Focus on hiring a head coach who you don’t fire every other year.
Your team is just awful. How awful? Ron Rivera signed with your team, and then was diagnosed with cancer. Actual fucking cancer! I’m not blaming your team but yes I totally am. And then to make his life easier, your team let go of a Hall of Fame caliber RB in Adrian Peterson, so that they can start J.D. Mickissic. If you didn’t know that Mickissic was your starter this Sunday, YOU’RE WELCOME!
These are all REAL things. I would make some up, but I could never match the idiocy with which your team is being run into the ground. Honestly, I think if Dan Snyder counted his balls ten times in a row, he’d never get the same number twice. That level of incompetence deserves some sort of prize. So the Eagles will give it to you.
This Sunday. At 1:00.
EAGLEMANIACAL.com 