WE’VE all seen it. A player or coach steps up to the podium after a loss to take the blame, and offers us the same tired lines:
“I take full responsibility.”
“This loss is on me.”
“I need to put the players in a better position to succeed.”
Just ONCE, I’d like to see a player step up to the podium and say something different. Something like maybe:
PLAYER: First of all, I just want to exonerate myself from the fiasco you just witnessed. Did you see that 50 yard spiral I threw to uh…uhhhh…one of our Black guys. Hit him right in the hands! How do you not catch that pass?!
REPORTER 1: So you’re saying this loss isn’t at all on your shoulders?
PLAYER: I played amazing. Absolutely amazing.
REPORTER 2: Wait. Did you say ‘one of our Black guys’?
REPORTER 3: What about your fumble, the one right before half-time?
PLAYER: You mean the strip-sack? Yeah, I think the question you should be asking is ‘What about that missed block?’ You! In the back. The skirt.
REPORTER 4: I’m not a skirt. I have a name.
PLAYER: I don’t wanna know it. What’s your question?
REPORTER 4: Do you think throwing your team under the bus, will help you win in the future?
PLAYER: Well praising them hasn’t helped. I mean we’re 0-1-1. Maybe if we did run a few of them over…
REPORTER 1: You advocate running over a few teammates?
PLAYER: I misspoke. We should run most of them over. Seriously, did you see our defense out there? Because I sure as hell didn’t. They spent the day chasing our opponents like they wanted autographs, or something. Honestly, I’ve seen better tackling during jello wrestling. Right, Skirt? You know what I’m talkin’ about! Got me L-O-L-ing up here.
REPORTER 3: What do you feel that you learned from this loss?
PLAYER: That I’m alone out there. So utterly, utterly alone out there.
REPORTER 2: So you don’t think the four interceptions you threw, had anything to do with the loss?
PLAYER: If I had immaculate protection and guys got wide open… If we drafted more guys with high jump backgrounds… I’d have completed like, most of my passes. I didn’t lose this game. The Front Office did. The Owner did. Right, Mr. Brose? This loss is your fault, right? See guys? He gets it. Damn Mr. Brose… Lenny, I can call you Lenny, right? Your face is beet red.
REPORTER 1: Wha-
PLAYER: Jefferson! That’s our Black guy’s name! Well one of them. We have so many. Maybe too many. Wait. Is it Jefferson or Washington? I get them mixed up. Which President was banging one of his-
COACH: (pushing the Player off) OKAYYYY! THAT’S ALL THE TIME THE PLAYER HAS! Any questions for me?
“They are who we thought they were.” “We talkin’ ‘bout practice.” “Playoffs? Playoffs?!”
There simply aren’t enough of these classic press conference meltdowns. And they are indeed, classics. We could use more of them. Right, Little Foot?