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LOCKED and Loaded. That’s the name of this season. We spent the offseason prepping for an arms race, while the team that won our division seemed to dismantle themselves. They however, aren’t on the menu this week. Detroit is.

Speaking of dismantle, the last time we saw Detroit we hung 44 points on them. In their house! Meanwhile, all they could do was curl into the fetal position, as their coach yelled about biting knee caps. True, they’ve made a few improvements, but c’mon, NOBODY made as many improvements as we did.

There’s a good chance that we can come out of this week, as the only team in the division with a win. While one game isn’t a large lead, it can definitely serve to help set an attitude. You wanna do something big? You start by doing something small.

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The point of Four Things isn’t to predict a winner, it’s to discuss which tactics would give our Eagles the best chance to win this game. So here are the Four Things that we need to focus on this week, versus the: Detroit Lions.

1) Run the Ball: Play to our strength, and let QB Jalen Hurts ease into having more of the game put in his hands. His perfect preseason was cute, but he’s about to face a gameplan. As for Detroit, their new 4-3 will feature five guys who our Offensive Line absolutely mauled, manhandled and fucked over, last October. Ultimately Debo-ing them for 4 rushing touchdowns and 236 rushing yards. Seeing five of the same victims, making up a front seven that we romped and frolicked through, all I see is a second helping. Run the ball!

2) Make Goff Run: In six seasons QB Jared Goff has 401 rushing yards. For comparison, through six years, QB Peyton Manning ran for 582. I bring this up to illustrate just how adverse Goff is to running. Anything that changes or challenges his throwing platform, is alien to him. So we need to disabuse him of any sense of comfort and safety. Last year we caught him in the pocket quite a bit, so if he still wants to just stand there… Okay.

Also their starting G Halapoulivaati Vaitai is out. His back-up is having back issues, and their C has a groin issue. Against this line, we sacked Goff five times last year. So their interior is weak, and we have DT’s Fletcher Cox, and Jordan Davis. Get Goff out of the pocket.

3) Challenge Their Receivers: We’ve been hearing about WR D.J. Chark for years now, based solely off of his 2019 season. In the last two seasons, he has just 60 catches for 860 yards, and a 52% catch rate. On the other side is WR Amon-Ra St. Brown. (Love the name. I had a cat named Amon-Ra. Golden tabby with gold eyes.) He’s a bum. Not the cat, the WR. He’s one of those “12 targets, 8 catches, for 73 yards” type of receivers.

Unleash CB’s Darius “Big Play” Slay and James Bradberry! Mug these chumps and get us a pick six. Okay, maybe that’s asking too much, or being too specific. More generally, don’t let either receiver see 100 yards. That sounds about reasonable.

4) Get ‘im!: Wherever CB Jeff Okudah is, that should be the receiver who gets the ball. At least 10 passes have to go to who he’s covering. During his two year career, he’s played a total of 9 games, and ended both years with season-ending injuries. Last year it was his Achilles, and now he gets to try it out vs WR Devonta Smith’s route running, or WR A.J. Brown’s explosiveness. Pick on him. Hound him! Harass him! Make him Vontae Davis 2.0!

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If the Eagles do these Four Things, then we’ll be virtually impossible to beat. That being said…

I want to give the Lions some benefit of the doubt, but the more I look at this game, the more it looks like Mike Tyson vs Queen Eliz- (Nope! Gotta change that now. Wrote that joke nearly two weeks ago and now… You really committed to ruining my joke, Liz! Just leaned all the way in.) Ugh! It looks like Tyson vs Skip Bayless. Yeah. We like that imagery, right? Let’s go with that.

I can’t believe the NFL is going to sanction this match-up. Everything about it is all wrong for the Lions. It’s as if Roger Goodell wrote “SQUEAKY TOY” on a baby, and handed it to a pit-bull.

It’s madness! Their offensive line can’t protect their over-drafted QB. Their defensive front is an affront to the idea of defense. Their WR’s would be average vs an average secondary, and our’s is a shark tank. They have one dangerous CB, and the other is practically wearing a bull’s-eye! But the NFL is going to let this happen anyway? It’s madness!

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Prediction: EAGLES 30 – Lions 10

WARNING: I don’t have the faintest clue as to what a point spread is, and I know even less about how it works. I know football and that’s IT. If you use Four Things as a gambling tool, you are trying to lose your money, and will deserve it when you do.

Check back in a couple of days for Four Things Reviewed, and we’ll discuss how this game went.