WE’RE better than you, and I can prove it.
Our QB NICK FOLES isn’t a turnover machine like Thee Lie Manning. He isn’t held together with scotch tape and crossed fingers like RG#. Unlike Tony Oh No! who isn’t worth a dollar, you can get 4 quarters out of Foles. Face it. We’re better than you.
Our RB LeSEAN McCOY can also catch a football unlike the guy in Washington. He’s not a career back-up brought in as a n insurance policy for an underachiever who was too fragile for the game. He can be trusted with the ball to close out games. I’ll be nice and not even mention DARREN SPROLES name. Wait. I just did didn’t I? Learn to deal. And again, better than you.
At WR Dallas and Washington have more proven game-changers than we do. But Dallas being so dependent on one guy makes them predictable and helps contribute to some of those picks. Washington may give us a run, but New York…half the time Rueben Randle can be counted on to run the wrong route (I suspect he’s retarded); and you saw what became of Rico Suave without a legit WR on the other side. At worse we’re as good at the ‘skins. So again we’re BETTER.
At TE in BRENT CELEK and ZACH ERTZ we have twice as many TE’s as New York does. Washington has a good one, but if the guy brushes his teeth too hard, he gets a concussion. Dallas has a HOFer playing for them now, but he’s relegated to a blocker because their focus is getting the ball to the toddler. Flat out better here.
We sent the left side of our Offensive Line to the Pro Bowl. Meanwhile New York and Washington have just shuffled their units. Dallas gets to spend a year hoping that Doug Free doesn’t get “OW! My Back!” killed out there this year. This is no contest. Us: Mount Everest. You: Grab a shovel.
Our Defensive Line was Top 10 against the run last year and everybody came back. New York and Dallas both gave away their best linemen. Washington ran out and grabbed a guy we threw away in Clifton Geathers. When your rival goes rummaging through your garbage like some damned raccoon, it’s clear that even THEY think you’re better than them.
Our Linebackers? Put it this way: Name a New York LB. Me either. Dallas’s LB’s? He’s at home. Washington matches up well with us at OLB, but we have the edge in experience at ILB. We win again!
Secondary? We have the best CB’s in the division. In fact we’re like 3 deep back there. Right Dallas? The Giants match up favorably at Safety though. I’ll say they’re better in the middle of the field, but not as a unit. Us for the win!
So suck it. Suck it until my ass cheeks cave in. Suck it until your wisdom teeth pop out. Suck it until my forehead softens, and Michael Sam fathers six kids.
Dear division rivals, you’ve had it. Run while you still can. Because WE are better than YOU, and we, are coming.